What This Nice Guy Wishes He'd Said On All His Dates

I've written before that I used to go on a lot of dates, and I've written more recently that I think I'm a pretty nice guy. Those two things -- one fact, one personal opinion -- converged over the years in my not saying some things on dates that I probably should have said. Here are a few of those:

1. I almost always asked my dates how their dating experience has been. I did that simply because I was interested in knowing the answer. I would say, conservatively, about 75 percent of the answers were negative. "Haven't met many good guys." "All the men I meet talk about their horrible exes." "The men aren't what they say they are."

I get it. You've had a lot of bad dates, and you enjoy talking about that. And I assume guys do the same thing -- I always stipulate that these are not gender-specific experiences.

Given that, I wish I had said on occasion is, "Stop complaining or stop dating."

2. Again, not gender specific, but I would say that on the overwhelming majority of dates (95 percent) I had my companion do nearly all the talking. I'm a good listener, and genuinely enjoy hearing people's stories. It's what got me into journalism 40 years ago. But still, there have been many times I wanted to say,

"You do realize there's someone other than you on this date."

3. One of my genuine dislikes in life is self-promoters and braggarts. Probably another reason I initially wanted to be a journalist, though Lord knows plenty of journalists are both of those. I was surprised by how many women on dates would talk about how attractive they thought they are, sometimes but not always couching it in terms of "My friends are always telling me how pretty I am."

Once or twice, I wish I'd said, "It's a little unsettling that you keep telling me you're so attractive."



4. Careers and cottage industries have been built on pointing out utterly obvious differences between men and women (just ask John Gray "Men Are From Mars ..." or "Fifty Shades of Grey" for that matter). But I lost count ages ago of the number of women who bemoaned the notion that men didn't understand women.

My question, asked politely and with due respect, "Do women ever need to understand men?"

5. I completely understand the concept of needing to get to know someone before jumping into bed, though how much "jumping" is done after 50 or 55 is up for debate. I used to be of the "time's-a-wastin'" philosophy but modified that somewhat. Still ... my question,

"You do know we're getting very, very old, don't you?"

6. I've written about this one, too. The rules have all changed for the better in the early part of the 21st Century, except for the one that says men should (pretty much) always pay for dates, regardless of the relative financial status of the people on the date. It's great if the woman has worked hard to climb the corporate ladder or started her own successful business or written a best-seller.

So, "Why do guys always have to pay for dates?" (Save your comments about me being cheap -- I've paid for every first date I've ever had and almost every second date.)



7. I know that as we get older, we don't want to "waste" time on relationships that go nowhere (not that we want to when we're younger either). But all relationships involve the risk of not working out whether we're 20 or 60. My dating experience has more often than not been that my companion is sizing up whether I would be good long-term relationship material (again, not gender specific -- lots of men do that).

My question: "Can we finish our salad before figuring out if we can grow old together?"

8. And of course, one of my old favorites -- that quest for the illusive (and non-existent) "Soulmate."

I actually have asked this one, as opposed to the others above which I never asked:

"So how did that whole 'soulmate' thing work out in your first two marriages?"

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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7 Signs Your Husband Is Unhappily Married

Have a sneaking suspicion that your husband is unsatisfied with your marriage? Below, psychologists and marriage therapists offer 7 common signs that a spouse may be growing restless in a relationship.

1. He feels like he can't win. 

Don't think your heavy sighs and the comments made under your breath are going unnoticed. Unhappily married men often say they feel as though their wives are never satisfied with anything they do, said Kurt Smith, a Northern California-based marriage and family therapist who specializes in counseling for men. 

"For some guys, they never feel like they can make their wife happy. Regardless of the issue, they don't do it enough, they do it too much or they never do it right," he explained.

To counter the negativity, Smith said spouses need to put more effort into recognizing helpful, positive things their husbands do around the house or for the family.

"The problem is, many men feel like their partners only notice when they do something wrong," he said. "When we feel like we just can't win, we often just give up trying."

2. He rolls his eyes every time you ask him to attend a party. 

It's great to attend parties and get-togethers as a couple -- and making time in your busy schedule for date night is always a good thing. But for some guys, the pressure to be your plus-one at every wedding, work event and ugly sweater party can be a bit overwhelming, said Betsy Ross, a Massachusetts-based psychotherapist and divorce coach. 

"Many unhappily married men complain that their spouses pressure them to do this or do that when all they really want to do is absolutely nothing. Sometimes, you just want to chill out for the night," she said.

If you're hearing variations of "leave me alone" more and more, Ross suggests you do just that.

"Men may want more time to themselves but it leads to them lending a hand and actually wanting to spend time with their spouses, without being asked."

3. He complains about nagging. 

It's a cliche at this point, but psychologist and divorce mediator Kristin Davin confirms that complaints about nagging spouses is a constant in her New York City office. That said, there's usually more to the story than meets the eye.

"Often -- but not always -- women nag because men don’t follow through. How many times have you had a conversation about doing something and he commits to doing it and never follows through? Often, I'm guessing," she said. "Women feel caught in the middle: You continue to try and talk to him and address the issue but it goes nowhere. He interprets your request as nagging. You want to believe him but his promises go unfulfilled."

How do you save yourself from having these circular -- and tedious-- conversations?

"Try to change the dialogue," Davin suggested, "Say: This really is very important to me so when can I expect it to done? Is there a hurdle we can address? If it's not done by a certain time, can we call someone in to do it instead?"

4. He's putting in extra hours at work. 

Sure, staying late at work can be a means to get ahead, but if he's working late into the evenings, on weekends, and even during vacations, he could be using his job as a convenient excuse for avoiding family time, Ross said. 

"Spouses usually have a threshold for how much time they can tolerate away from their partner so when a husband starts spending more and more time and energy on work, they're devoting less time and energy to their marriage," she said. "Several of the unhappy husbands I've worked with spent increasing amounts of time on their career, networking or generally pursuing interests outside of their marriage and away from their family life." 

5. He feels like he's being punished for things he did in the past. 

At some point, you need to leave marital problems you dealt with years ago in the past, said Smith. For example, if he admitted, apologized and truly made amends for having an affair -- and you've granted him forgiveness -- you can't continue to punish him for it. 

"We all have made mistakes, but some guys feel like they can never can get out from under the shadow of their past screw ups," Smith said. "These guys know when they make another mistake they're going to also hear all about what they did wrong five, 10 or 15 years ago." 

6. He doesn't understand why you give him a hard time every time he wants to hang out with friends.  

If the two of you are constantly at odds over his weekly fantasy football league get-togethers, try to address what's at the heart of the issue: If it's his need for space and time to himself that's bothering you, you might want to rethink your position, Davin said. 

"Space is vital in a relationship," she explained. "Think of it this way: your marriage should be an interdependent relationship and not one that is dependent and enmeshed. Time spent apart creates space between the couple, which they need to grow, evolve and miss one another."

7. He dodges important conversations. 

You may think mid-argument is the best time to bring up the issues that have been bothering you as of late, but the same might not hold true for your hubby, Davin said: Men often need more time or space to process your problems.

"This is very common complaint – often referred to as the 'pursuer-distancer dance' in relationships. Generally speaking, when there is a disagreement, most women want to talk right then and there -- they pursue. Men? Not so much. They want to distance – basically, they need to move away to a place where they have space to think."

The solution to this dilemma, Davin said, is to agree that you'll return to the problem when cooler heads prevail -- but for your own sanity, "do it sooner rather than later."

 

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7 Ways To Embrace Being On Your Own After Divorce

After splitting from a spouse, it can feel as if you've been stripped of your identity. So to help you adjust to being on your own again, we asked divorce coaches and divorcés to share their best advice for embracing the single life. 

1. Define who you are outside of marriage. 

For as long as you can remember, you've associated yourself with being part of a couple. "We can't go to the party" or "We're headed to a wedding this weekend." One of the most powerful things you can do to embrace your identity outside marriage is to practice making "I" statements, said Laura Miolla, a professional divorce coach who finalized her divorce two years ago. 

"Shifting your perspective from 'we to I' after divorce is a challenging but necessary process for healing, growth and empowerment," she explained. "Take this time to reconnect with the person you used to be before you were married. Who was that person? And who are you now? What’s different? What’s the same? What do you love about yourself? What gives you joy? Use that information to choose who you are now and what you want moving forward." 

2. Get healthy. (And note that "healthy" doesn't mean losing a ton of weight.) 

Now more than ever you need to prioritize your mental and physical well-being -- but recognize that getting healthy doesn't simply mean dropping a few dress sizes, said A.S. Chung, a writer who divorced in 2013.

"Don't over do it. While I enjoyed being able to get into super skinny jeans and had enough confidence to finally get into that Herve Leger dress that had been staring at me from my wardrobe for quite some time, I looked unhealthy and gaunt," said Chung, who was married for seven years. "It was due to my loss of appetite and sleep deprivation. Eventually, I decided that if there was anything I could control about myself it was my health. I began to box, I squeezed every ounce of unhappiness out onto unforgiving boot camps and calmed my busy mind at yoga." 

3. Make a post-divorce bucket list. 

Maybe you've always wanted to zip line but your ex was afraid of heights. Maybe you've long harbored dreams of starting a YouTube cooking channel but never had the time or the confidence. Use your divorce as a catalyst to get it done, said Debbie Martinez, a mindful life coach who specializes in divorce.

"Start making plans for things you've always wanted to do and start checking some of those off," she said. "Set completion dates, do research and get excited. And make sure the items on your list are all you-focused. Sure, you might have on there some fabulous trip you want to take with the kids but most of it should be about the new you."   

4. Make like Stella and get your groove back. 

You don't necessarily have to sign up for that pole dancing class at the gym or download Tinder with a quickness, but reconnecting with your sensual side can be a very good thing after divorce, said Martinez. 

"For all your married years, you've known yourself as a wife, mother, daughter, coworker, and friend but over time, you may have lost the sense of what it actually feels like to be a woman or a man," said Martinez. "Reconnect with that part of yourself that's been on hiatus: Change your wardrobe, do things that make you feel sexy (I personally signed up for a burlesque workshop), tap into the little child in you by doing fun things (adult kickball or horseback riding, for instance) because that gives you a freeing feeling and that feeling is sexy." 

5. Take comfort in friends and family who really care about you. 

Divorce has a way of showing you who your true friends are -- embrace those people and try not to worry about those who don't show up, advised Miolla. 

"Divorce is a little like a death: The people around you will react in different ways," Miolla said. "Your closest relationships will become closer as your best friends and family try to protect and help you -- while others will distance themselves. You know who your champions are now. So focus your time and energy on them. Don’t invest in people that won’t invest in you. Be with the people who love and cherish you." 

6. Take that old hobby you used to love off the back-burner. 

Remember all those old hobbies and interests you used to enjoy when you were single? Revisit them, said divorce coach Emma Heptonstall. 

"I’m not talking a night out with friends (although you might have given those up too!), I’m talking about a passion, a hobby that was all yours," she said. "Look back at what you enjoyed and consider revisiting that passion. It will help you reconnect with the ‘you’ you were before your relationship." 

7. Take a solo trip. 

Most of us don't have the money (especially after divorce) to travel the world a la Eat, Pray, Love. But traveling and experiencing new things really doesn't have to break the bank, Chung said. 

"Travel doesn’t necessarily have to involve long haul flights and expensive ventures," she said. "It’s about exploring destinations you have never been before and opening up your senses to history, culture, people and languages -- and it will take you away from an environment that is stale or is a constant a reminder of what it once was! Travel taught me to stop, observe, inhale the surroundings and slow down and those newfound ebbs and flows have transcended into my daily life."

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This Comic Perfectly Captures What Life Is Like After A Breakup

When his relationship ended after two years in 2014, Brandon Sheffield felt like there was a "very specific person-sized hole" in his life. 

To cheer himself up, the Oakland, California-based video game director started writing little vignettes about his experiences, documenting everything from how awkward he felt going out sans-girlfriend to how depressing it was to crawl into bed alone.

"I noticed there were certain patterns to the way I felt and sort of rolled around through my days," Sheffield told HuffPost. "But I also realized that even though my emotional wounds were specific to me, the way I was acting was very similar to what I'd seen friends go through." 

Realizing how universal his routine was, Sheffield asked his friend, New York-based illustrator Dami Lee, to turn the stories into comic strips -- a project they'd eventually call No Girlfriend Comics.

"She added bits of herself here and there, which I think made the comic more relatable and not just for dudes," Sheffield said of his collaboration with Lee, who was living in Seoul, Korea at the time. 

(Story continues after the comic.) 

The sweetly relatable comics -- which ran on the site Tapastic from early August to December 2014 -- touched a nerve with readers, so much so that when Sheffield and Lee wrapped up the series after 20 installments, their audience wanted more. 

"People complained when the series ended because they really wanted Brandon (the character) to stay miserable!" Lee told HuffPost,"But it felt right to end it at 20 comics instead of continuing the series; it represented a passing phase that everyone goes through at some point. The comic came to its natural end, just like a lot of relationships." 

See some of our favorite installments below, then head to Tapastic to read the comic series in its entirety.  

 

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Single Girls' Guide to Halloween

Ok so maybe you aren't as rich or famous as T-Swift and her squad to be able to do whatever you want this Halloween, but you are definitely still as fab as them all! Who needs (or wants) a significant other during Halloween?! There's too much fun to be had, especially with your crew. So what antics should you get into this 31?

1) Go to a Halloween bash at a local bar.
Now this one seems obvious. Look up your favorite bars, pubs, clubs, whatever! They're 90 percent likely (a statistic I just made up) to be throwing some Halloween party with drink specials, good music and lots of sexy people in costumes. It also gives you and your girls a good excuse to find a matching group costume idea! Where better to find your very own Mario, Michael or Freddy? Ok maybe Michael and Freddy aren't the best options but you get my drift. Which leads to the next topic...

2) Hook up with a hottie.
Don't be that person to abandon your friends for the first sexy guy you see -- but do take advantage of being able to play the field. Maybe it's the first time you've been able to do this in years, or maybe this is your 8th single Halloween in a row (not that I'm counting or anything).

Throw your own Halloween party. A party amongst friends where you don't have to drive home at the end of the night is sometimes the best option. You get to pick the playlist, the games and judge the costume contest (while knowing yours as hostess is the best, anyway).

3. Have a Halloween horror movie marathon.
Maybe you're over the over-priced costumes and drunken antics happening out and about at bars and parties. No worries! Make some eyeball and finger cookies along with other cute treats you found on Pinterest for snacks. Or better yet, skip those cute little homemade delicacies and save yourself the embarrassment when they ultimately become a #PinterestFail. Pizza and Oreos will also do. Jackie can bring over the cute finger foods she made from Pinterest. We all have that one friend. How do you successfully bake those Pinterest treats and make those DIY projects, Jackie?!

4. Go to a local haunted house.
Places are beaming with haunted houses, haunted theme parks, haunted hay rides... you name it. Wouldn't you rather grasp onto your bestie who will also want to be holding onto you just as hard as you walk through the creepy corn maze than your old BF who'd probably try to scare you even more? You'll bond more with every scream (and maybe an accidental little punch).

5. Go to a graveyard with candles and a Ouija Board.
Totally kidding. If you have the balls to do this, then I'm sorry but we could never be in the same squad because I'm not coming near that thing. Forget I even said this.

6. Hand out candy to trick-or-treaters.
This is a Halloween plan often overlooked by those without children or nieces/nephews of their own, but it can be totally fun! You can dress up and scare the children, or just be a nice lady handing out Reese's to the local neighborhood kids (or eating almost the whole bag of candy before Halloween comes around and turning off your porch light about 10 kids into the night, either way). Bonus: You'll be done by like, 9 p.m. the latest, so you can have a slumber party with lots of slumbering instead of getting TURNT and having possible regrets.

Really, being single for Halloween is the best. Your squad will most likely want to agree on the same thing to do, so whether it be go out and get wild or stay in and have some bestie bonding time, you can do it! Being in a relationship could be fun, but being single and being able to do whatever you want when you want to is even better! Just be wary of those Halloween hookups. They might turn into a short-lived relationship with some holiday presents in a few months that you'll be tossing to the side and selling on our site because you never liked them anyway.

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11 Reasons He Might Not Call

Here is my description of being in dating hell:

You meet a guy and/or go out with him and you develop these wonderful feelings. The idea of him seems so promising! Maybe he took your phone number after a conversation at a local bar where sparks were flying everywhere. Or, perhaps your first date with him is one you'd inscribe in the book of your 5 best dates ever. But then...nothing. You check your phone 20 times a day. No call from him. No text. No email. He's disappeared and you have no clue what went wrong. Could your judgment that it seemed so right have been that off? WTF???



Not hearing from a guy when you desperately want to is the worst. With emotions that run from anger, humiliation, confusion, hurt, sadness, frustration and hopelessness, his not calling can have you questioning every little thing from the jeans he saw you in to ordering too much food to asking yourself, "Was it something I said??"



But, have you ever thought that maybe you didn't hear from him because of a factor that has nothing to do with you? I'm not saying it's acceptable for a guy not to call and give an explanation of why he can't/doesn't want to see you again, but the reason you never hear from him might not be personal.

Here are 11 possible reasons he decided not to reach out:



1. He got back together with an ex-girlfriend.
2. He realized he isn't ready to date right now.
3. He feels bad about himself/doesn't like himself/doesn't feel worthy of you.
4. He doesn't think you are interested.
5. He's not over his divorce or last relationship.
6. He lost your contact information. (Highly unlikely but possible).
7. He met someone else.
8. He's a player, asks for phone numbers all the time and never calls anyone.
9. The timing was bad for him, he got really busy at work or started traveling for his job.
10. He's got some baggage that is messing him up when it comes to dating and relationships.
11. He's just not into you.


In #'s 1-10 I probably sound like your girlfriend who is trying to make you feel better by justifying the no callback with every excuse under the sun. But, the whole point of this article is to make you realize that if you don't hear from him, you should never take it personally -- even if it is.

A good attitude to have is "Who cares? It wasn't meant to be and I'm glad I found out how he feels now instead of down the road with time and more feelings invested. It isn't me, it isn't him, it's just not right. When it is right, the guy WILL call me back."

Regarding #11, "He's Just Not That Into You," it is what it is. There was a whole book written and movie made about this statement, the main concepts with which I agree wholeheartedly.

Realize this. When it comes to dating, not every man is going to like you enough to call back. And, you aren't going to like every man. That's completely OK. Why would you be interested in someone who isn't interested in you, anyhow? You wouldn't be. So, pick yourself up off the ground, roll him off of you like lint with a lint roller and move on. The guy who you thought was amazing and sexy and sweet and perfect for you -- the same guy you never heard from again -- A. isn't the only guy on earth B. Missed out big time. C. Made you available for Mr. Right.

Jackie Pilossoph is the author of her blog, Divorced Girl Smiling, and the comedic divorce novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. She also writes feature stories, along with the weekly dating and relationships column, Love Essentially" for Chicago Tribune Media Group local publications. Pilossoph lives in Chicago. Oh, and she's divorced.

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