Why This Divorce Attorney Doesn't Mind That Your Holiday Lights Are Already On

This week it began, the holiday lights being strung throughout the neighborhood and a few brave souls are lighting up the pitch darkness of 5 pm already. It is without a doubt my favorite time of the year. There is hope. People are a bit softer and kinder, reaching into a bit deeper into their pockets and cupboards wanting to assuage hunger and prevent disappointment in children during this holiday season. With a brief whiff of evergreen, I am transported back to time when it was just pure joy, even as a child of divorce. It is the one time of year where we pause and think of family no matter how far away or nutty they may be, honor our traditions while we pass them along and make new ones. There is a general shift focus on making other people happy. In a time when there is so much sadness, glimpses of a smile from another weary traveler or a beleaguered gate attendant reminds us we are not alone. There is joy and accomplishment in each cookie baked, present wrapped and warm greeting no matter what holiday you are celebrating. It is the most wonderful time of the year, right?

Even during this season of magic, there are days I see and hear too much and it makes my heart hurt. There are days when I wish I could be something else "when I grow up". The pain I see is from the people who have been hurt by the ones they loved and trusted the most and from the ones who have done the hurting. There are days I wonder why that "fine line between love and hate" can't be a little less fine. There are the days I do more than skim the stories of those who changed their life after 40, looking for even the tiniest confirmation I can still be a professional travel blogger or invent something the world has always needed but just did not know it. I am a big believer in the gratitude theory. There is no argument that being grateful for all you do have rather than what you don't, puts you in a much better place to handle the impossibly tough stuff. So, when I drink my coffee out of the "glass half full" mug, I need to pull it down because that is my goal for the day (not because I forgot to run the dishwasher and it is the only clean vessel in my house.)

This Thanksgiving and holiday season as I battle in the trenches for other peoples fights, dealing with the indignities of frivolous positions and often less than professional adversaries who make understand why lawyers are not a beloved group, I will try to remember to be grateful for my job. I have the privilege of representing kind and struggling people. I have been trusted to make things better, to protect their money or more importantly their children. I have been in their shoes and came through the fire because someone along the way helped me through. I get to pay it forward. My mistakes had a purpose and I never need to wonder "why me"? In the end I get to bear witness to the strength of the human soul and watch the triumph that is peace and happiness. I see clients and their children grow and flourish and find their way to new friendships and love.

This job, with all the immeasurable heartache, gives me the biggest gift of all, perspective. I get only a few moments to wallow in the latest tragedy of my own day before I am quickly reminded someone has it worse. (Yes, the new car was wrecked but I need to remember my son is safe and no one else was hurt.) Perhaps that is what this holiday season reminds us all, that we are blessed even in times of trouble. So this Thanksgiving, I am grateful for healthy children, the songs belted out by my aspiring Broadway star at 6 am, the invisible friends keeping my 5 year old's imagination growing, the new saxophone that will soon be filling late nights with music from my boys, a loving Husband to share a warm bed, my family by blood and those adopted by heart, those friends who travel from far to share a glass of wine, and those who simply send their loving thoughts, pumpkin spiced everything, and of course, cold turkey sandwiches. I will remember these blessings. I will remember there are those less fortunate, lonely, hungry and weary. I will share my blessings whenever I can.

So Griswold away my friends, the earlier and brighter we light this world up the better. You won't see any Facebook comments from me.

© Krista Barth, 2015

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Are Divorced Guys A Turnoff To Women?

I received a question from a newly divorced man asking, "How do women feel when they hear that a man is divorced?" The guy wrote that he wanted to start dating, but that he feared women would turn away, "thinking that there is something wrong with me since my ex-wife left me for someone else."

To address this divorced man's concern, let me start with some statistics:

Number of divorced guys I have probably dated since my divorce: 7

Number of divorced guys I am friends with: 45

Number of divorced guys I have met in my life: hundreds.

I'm sharing these numbers because I truly feel like I have a pretty good sense of the divorced guy, some common traits, and how I think so many of them think and feel.

The divorced guy is oftentimes seemingly wounded. I have talked to many, many men whose spouses cheated and then left them for another man. Just like it does for women, it kills. It's traumatizing. It's humiliating. It's infuriating. It feels unfair.

I also think many divorced men have no idea how wonderfully attractive they are. The most likely reason is because they haven't felt desired by a woman in a long long time -in the case that their wife was the one who chose to leave. Even worse, she left for another man, so I'm sure that does a number on a man's self-image. This same thing applies to a woman in that situation, by the way.

Now, let me explain how I think many women view a divorced man whose wife left him. I think at first, just like a man might be, a woman might be skeptical. She might be looking for things, wondering, 'hmmm...he seems totally normal. I wonder what he did to make his ex cheat and/or fall out of love with him. was he mean? abusive? Maybe he didn't pay enough attention to the relationship. Maybe HE had an affair.'

That said, I think men and women dating are skeptical of every person they go on a date with, divorced or not. So, what does it matter?

I will say this. I believe that SMART women take the time to really listen to the guy's story and trust our gut. Then we draw our own conclusion about what we think of him, his whole personality, his divorce only being one aspect of him, not what defines him.

Another GREAT trait about divorced men. They have proven that they can commit. I have a lot more faith in a man who has been married versus never married when it comes to his willingness and desire to commit to a serious relationship.

Then there's the kid factor. A man who has been married and has kids will probably be more comfortable around a woman's kids, simply because he has experience. That's not to say it won't work with a man who has never had kids. But the divorced man with kids gets it.

Here's the other thing. If 50% of people are divorced, women are certainly coming across divorced men, right? So, don't feel like you are unique in that sense.

Also, in regards to your comment about there being something "wrong" with you, I have this to say. There IS something "wrong" you. There's something wrong with everyone on this planet. In other words, everyone has faults. So, is a woman going to find some things "wrong" with you? Sure. But that's OK, isn't it? I'm sure you will find things wrong with her, too.

I'll leave you with a great quote. Can't remember who I heard this from. I might even have made it up.

"A woman's decision to divorce her husband could lead another woman to meeting the love of her life."

Jackie Pilossoph is the author of her blog, Divorced Girl Smiling, and the comedic divorce novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. She also writes feature stories, along with the weekly dating and relationships column, Love Essentially" for Chicago Tribune Media Group local publications. Pilossoph lives in Chicago. Oh, and she's divorced.

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Dating Diary 10. I'm Dating A Millionaire Who Ticks All The Boxes, But...

So real life tossed High50's dating columnist Louisa Whitehead-Payne an encounter with Plane Man -- minted, a mastermind, and owns his own plane. (So, Louisa, what first attracted you to the millionaire Plane Man? That he could translate old English texts, of course. Duh!). How would she get on?

We have a second date, but I have agreed to go to his house, which worries me somewhat. It will give me a chance to suss out if he is who he says he is. But I am a little nervous about meeting him there. My PA is briefed to call the cops if she doesn't receive a text at 10:15 p.m. confirming my health and safety.

I rock up. There is a helicopter in the garden, a Porsche 911 and a Mercedes in the drive. The plot is at least two acres. The house is a bit modern and nondescript, but it has a home office, gym, cinema and a deck with a hot tub. So, unless he works for the homeowner, he is who he says he is. And he likes boys' toys.

A delicious meal is cooked, he is charming, solicitous and, unlike a lot of successful men, does not talk about himself all night. I happily send the text at 10:15 that all is well. No kiss goodnight is attempted. OK ... it's only our second date.

Most Exciting Date Of My Life

The next invitation is to dinner on the Isle of Wight, flown in on his plane. I have dressed up and Plane Man is very complementary. So he IS interested in me physically. I was beginning to wonder. Good!

It is very exciting flying from one weeny local airfield to another. Sexy, too, with my date at the helm. We eat at a nice restaurant and I am delivered back to Oxfordshire before dark (it has to be light for private pilots to land).

It's probably one of the most exciting dates of my life. Am I smitten? Well, I'm trying to be.

An Overnight Stay

I reciprocate by inviting him to a super-glamorous corporate do. With an overnight stay in London. One hotel room or two? Two, of course ... he hasn't even tried to kiss me yet.

I could do with flirting lessons from those horrid women on TV who make you flick your hair and do the Full Princess Diana look-up from under your fringe. Hell, I don't even have a fringe.

Overnight London comes and goes. There is a little light hand-holding. But he does at least address the issue of why he hasn't propositioned me. I am apparently fragile after leaving my husband so recently. Difficult to know what to say to that. Okaaay...

I decide not to say I've had lots of hot sex with a farmer for the last six months. Or that I am rather good in bed and like to keep my hand in. Nothing suitable springs to mind, so I remain inscrutably stand-offish. He is away for the next month but we make a soft plan to see each other on his return.

Getting My Ducks In A Row

Plane Man has indicated that he doesn't really want a committed relationship, and I just want one person to share good times with. So I see nothing wrong with sussing out other guys, at least for the time being.

I am taking my 92-year-old ex-mother-in-law's advice that I go out with lots of men and sleep with all of them. (Well, none of them at the moment, but I am working on that one.)

My Internetting bears fruit. I now have four dates fixed up after phone chats with four men who sound delightful on the phone. And one I have put behind my ear for later as he is on a road trip with his son in the U.S. By the miracles of Whatsapp, I get lovely funny updates from various stages of his trip.

So, the shortlist is:

1. Vice Man. Pervy? No. He is a former vice chancellor of a university.
2. Brighton Boy. Urbane ex-banker. Consulting from the seaside.
3. Guitar Man. West Country (accent not genre).
4. Home Boy. From my home town.

I know a bird in the hand might be better than four in the bush. But, frankly, serial monogamous dating might take me too long to find a suitable longer-term playmate. Parallel tracking will speed things up and I want a playmate before my looks really go south.

This doesn't sit entirely comfortably with me. But when you are dating in your 50s, it's a numbers game and, if you're a woman, you need to even the odds that are against you as hard and fast as you can.

Related Articles From High50:

Brief Encounter: Meeting A Man When You Least Expect It

You Don't Fancy Them, They're Not Your Type Or They're A Bit Dumb: How To Deal With A Bad Date

Stripping Off For Someone New: The Hair Downstairs Dilemma

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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What This Dad Loves Most About Blended Family Life

As part of our Blended Family Friday series, each week we spotlight stepfamilies to learn how they've worked to bring their kids together. Our hope is that by telling their stories, we'll bring you closer to blended family bliss in your own life! Want to share your story? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com.  

Weddings tend to be a little different when you're marrying again after divorce. Take Rocco DeLeo's wedding to his wife Jamie. The couple's ceremony in Huntington Beach, California two years ago was a sweet, low-key affair with all five of their kids included. There was also some sweet swag involved.

"We figured we couldn't squeeze a wedding dress and tuxedo rentals into the same budget as trips to Chuck E. Cheese's and Christmas for seven, so we had custom hoodies made up and had the wedding of our dreams," DeLeo told HuffPost recently. 

Below, the dad of five shares more of his family's sweet story.

Hi Rocco! Please introduce us to your family.
We have so many people in our family that I usually have to stop and think when asked that question! My wife Jamie and I have five children: Cheyenne (19), Rocco Jr. (12), Angelina (10), Bradley (7) and Halle (2). The three oldest are mine and Bradley is my wife's son. Halle is ours together. We are a "hers, mine, and ours" family.

How did you and Jamie meet? 

We met on March 18, 2012 at Jamie’s nephew's birthday party. My kids went to daycare with him. She hit on me at the Batman bouncy house -- just kidding. I saw her and was in love immediately. 

What are some of the biggest challenges of blended family life?

With smaller kids and all the typical activities, we are always running from one thing to the next. Bradley's dad lives 50 miles away in Southern California traffic. A Saturday soccer game, which for most people is a couple of hours and pizza, is an all-day event for us. Jamie has stepped in amazingly with my kids. From boxing, to Girl Scouts, dance, shopping, school actives and doctor’s appointments, she is non-stop.

We try to go together as a family as much as possible. Since we are apart many weekends, the time together has to be savored. We spend a lot of early mornings on the patio with coffee. We have even started recording a podcast called Our Perfect Mess which is a funny discussion of antics and lessons we've learned. From the "sex talk," to how to handle "you're not my real mom," we tell all. This has helped us recognize we are in the “trenches” together and have a story to tell.

What's the best thing about being part of a blended family?
Having a second chance at happiness. As a single father with full custody of my kids, I wondered if I’d ever be happy again and find someone to share the joy of raising kids. I identified as a father so strongly, I couldn't imagine that any woman I dated without kids would hang around too long. Luckily, I never had to find out. Jamie always wanted a big family. When she divorced with only one child, prospects for a large family had been looking grim.

What makes you proudest of your family?
Our family has been through many challenges. The fact that we have the resilience to go through all we have gone through and come out with a smile is a testament to what we believe is our destiny. That’s the same destiny I understood when Jamie broke up with me five times when we were dating. I see this resilience in Jamie as she toils hour after hour on homework and housework and asks only for an occasional massage from Massage Envy. I am proud that I was able to land such a beautiful woman who was able to open my battered heart to love again.

What advice do you have for other blended families who feel like a peaceful family dynamic is out of reach?
Everything starts at the top. It all starts with the mom and dad. Staying quiet or "keeping the peace" only leads to resentment and anger. The ability to dialogue with or without a counselor is so powerful. For us, as Christians, there is no way we could do this without looking to God for guidance. In fact, I have learned that we must first look to Christ as a guiding light and see our partner through Jesus first. But other things such as a regular date night and a lot of sex helps, too!

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Thanksgiving Challenge: Giving Thanks and Staying Positive

By Joy A. Dryer (Ph.D.) for Divorce Magazine

Giving thanks on Thanksgiving can be a challenge when you are divorced. You may be approaching the Thanksgiving holiday with some version of dread, especially if you are recently divorced and not accustomed to being "single" on this "family" holiday. You may have well taken care of your parental responsibilities, abiding by your Parenting Plan and scheduling your kids with Mom from 6 p.m. Wednesday dinner until 3 p.m. on Thursday with her family, and 3:01 p.m. until 6 p.m. dinner on Friday with Dad and his family. But what about you? Did you make arrangements for yourself? How are you feeling heading into this family holiday?

The PR for this holiday is so full of "family" rhetoric and images. But what does "family" mean? Especially when your family has been restructured. You may feel relieved to be out of a difficult marriage, but this family restructuring, as I'll call it, may not feel good right now. Like carving the turkey before it's cooked.

GRATITUDE

"Gratitude" is an abstract noun from the medieval Latin "gratitudo," meaning thankfulness. History books trace this historic American Christian tradition to 1621 (or 1623 is some books) to a shared autumn feast between the Plymouth colonists and Wampanoag Indians. After the harvest crops were gathered, Governor William Bradford of the 1620 Pilgrim Colony, proclaimed: "All ye Pilgrims with your wives and little ones, do gather at the Meeting House, on the hill... there to listen to the pastor, and render Thanksgiving to the Almighty God for all His blessings."

Individual colonies and states then celebrated days of Thanksgiving for the next two centuries. It finally became a national holiday when in 1863 President Abraham Lincoln proclaimed an annual National Day of Thanksgiving "on the last Thursday of November, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens." I'd say that it was no accident that Lincoln reached for gratitude smack in the middle of that most terrible Civil War. Talk about a house divided, a family splitting up!

THANKS. FOR WHAT?

If you're struggling with this question -- for what to be thankful -- let me offer you what may be a different approach to think about this. You've likely heard of the Positive Psychology movement. Don't laugh. I too dismissed this theory at first, thinking it was about the frozen smiley faces you see on Disney World posters. It's not. There is legitimate and strong research that convincingly shows, for example, that positive emotion predicts good features in life, such as a long healthy life and marital satisfaction.

1. Martin E.P. Seligman, Ph.D.* asked what sounded like a simple question: Does understanding and building happiness trump understanding and alleviating suffering? "People who are impoverished, depressed or suicidal, care about much more than the relief of their suffering. These persons care -- sometimes desperately -- about virtue, about purpose, about integrity, and about meaning. (Seligman, 2002, p. 6).



2. His seminal book reminds us of an earlier psychological distinction between feelings as "states," momentary occurrences, and "traits," longer term personality characteristics, positive or negative, which remain constant over time and in different contexts.



3. Good feeling and gratification result when we activate the positive characteristics of strengths and virtues, "among them valor, perspective, integrity, equality, loyalty."



4. And positive emotions, such as "confidence, hope, and trust," and positive institutions, such as "democracy, strong family, and free press" ... "serve us best not when life is easy, but when life is difficult." These buffer us against misfortune and help build resilience.

STRENGTHS & VIRTUES

Seligman believes that negative emotions dissipate when we involve ourselves in philanthropic acts; exercising kindnesses, in which we are totally engaged, result in the deepest gratification. Thus, engaging our strengths and virtues imbues our life with authenticity and a deep sense of well-being.

And so, I ask you. What kindnesses fully engage you? What are your values and virtues? Which are you most proud of? If you have kids, which of your strengths would you like them to see and to emulate? Five years, ten years from now, how would you like your kids to remember this holiday, this Thanksgiving, or many Thanksgivings? No, I'm not being Pollyannish. You really do have a choice. You can choose the positive road taken that reveals your strength(s) of character. Just as your family has restructured, you can restructure your approach to highlight your positive feelings.

A REMEMBRANCE

I've a vivid memory of one Thanksgiving when I first arrived in NYC for graduate school. A bunch of us decided to watch the Macy's parade balloons blown up on the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving Thursday. This laborious process takes place near the Natural History Museum in a courtyard you enter at Columbus Ave. and W. 79 St. A drizzly rain started and the wind was whipping up. The balloon handlers struggled with the heavy ropes to keep steady each huge balloon as it was filled with helium. They'd been inflating the balloons since 3 p.m. that afternoon and would likely work into the wee night hours.

When the parade took place on Thanksgiving morning, the previous night's struggles were gone, and it was not evident that it had taken an entire year of preparation, including designing, modeling, cutting and assembling materials. Unless you knew, the boots on the ground were not evident either: 90 handlers required for each full-size balloon, about 2,000 handlers in all, with 200 dress fitters for the costumes, 400 kids, 300 float escorts, 900 clowns... I could go on. But you get the idea: that it may take you a good deal of preparation to be present in your best self. Inhabiting and using a Positive Psychology approach may be like a Macy's Parade balloon requiring some (or much?) laborious preparation in order to float along with apparent ease, bringing a smile to child and adult alike. For your labors, may you both offer and harvest many kindnesses within your [restructured] family over these days of giving thanks.

*Reference: Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realize Your Potential for Lasting Fulfillment by Martin E.P. Seligman, Ph.D. (Simon & Schuster, 2002).

________________________

More from Divorce Magazine

6 Reasons Infidelity Survivors Should Celebrate Thanksgiving

Celebrating Friendsgiving: 10 Ways to Enjoy Thanksgiving After Divorce

Handling the Holidays

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Miranda Lambert Opens Up About Blake Shelton Divorce For First Time

Miranda Lambert has finally spoken about her divorce from fellow Country music star Blake Shelton. 

In the new issue of Cosmopolitan magazine (via ET Online), the "Somethin' Bad" singer, who split from Shelton this past summer, opened up about the split for the first time. 

"Marriage is a tough business, and we gave it our best college try," she told the magazine, adding that she's not quite ready to start dating again. 

"I had a great relationship with an amazing man," the 32-year-old said, "so I know what good is. I have a great launching pad for the future. I will never take that for granted."

But in terms of what she plans on doing next, Lambert added that she just wants to move forward, though she knows it won't be easy. 

"Some of that might mean nights on my porch crying, drinking whiskey, and going, 'Man, this sucks right now,'" she said.

Lambert and Shelton announced their split in July, after four years of marriage. The news came as a shock to their fans, but according to Shelton, the two are still "buddies." 

Shelton has since moved on and started a new relationship with fellow "The Voice" coach, Gwen Stefani. Earlier this month, the two confirmed, via Stefani's rep, that they were dating.

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12 Reminders To Be Grateful For Your Ex This Thanksgiving

This Thanksgiving, we asked HuffPost Divorce readers to reflect on what makes them grateful for their exes. In the roundup below, they share the reasons they're thankful to have met their former spouses, even if their marriages didn't last. 

1. "I definitely came out of my shell while with him. He helped me to see and experience new things and to be more open to things. I'm grateful for that! I'm also thankful for him leaving me. It made me realize how resilient I am and I am happier than I have ever been." -- Jessica Sprankle 

2. "I am grateful my ex-husband said he wanted a divorce. The end of our marriage has led me -- unapologetically -- back to myself." -- Becky Cavender

3. "The popular answer always seems to be that divorced people are grateful for their exes, because if not for them, they wouldn’t have their children. That’s certainly up there on my list but more than that, I’m grateful to my ex because he truly, madly loved me and taught me how to do the same back." -- Lynsey Mattingly 

4. "Of course I'm grateful to my ex for my son. And I'm thankful that he showed me true love during our marriage and showed me that I am lovable." -- Victoria Jo 

5. "I am thankful to my ex for our two wonderful and healthy children. And I'm grateful I have a second chance to live life differently." -- Barry Fraser 

6. "I'm thankful that he is a loving man who is strong enough to co-parent with me in a way that shows our daughter that broken things can be fixed -- maybe not back to the way they were before -- but in a way that is still loving and kind." -- Candice Curry 

7. "During our 30-year marriage, I begged my ex a thousand times to 'put down that book and talk to me!' How ironic that my anguish morphed into the trait I’m most thankful for in him today. My two daughters watched as my ex devoured 600 page historical novels. They saw him lift his head and exclaim, 'Listen to this!' and expound on some detail. Today, in their 30s, my daughters are history buffs, passionate readers, and lovers of The Great Books. When I watch them read astounding passages to each other, I know his legacy continues, and I’m thankful." -- Katherine Forsythe

8. "I'm thankful that he was better at the newborn phase with kids than I was. We were in a blissful part of our marriage and I look back at that time with gratitude." -- Vanessa Lee 

9. "I'm grateful my ex is a loving and kind father to our son -- the kind of father who is present. Even though we were divorced when our son was only 2 years old, my ex never lost sight of fatherhood; in fact, our son was, and remains, his priority. We've shared 50-50 custody for over 13 years and our son is growing into a young man we're all proud of. I know this is because we worked together to make it happen." -- Shelley Wetton

10. "I'm thankful for my ex because I have been able to start my life over again and make changes that have allowed me to become a better person and follow my dreams. Without our divorce, I would not be as strong as I am today." -- Shannon Ferguson

11. "When I got a job opportunity 500 miles away, my ex said take it and allowed me to take our son with me. He pushed for a year to get a transfer with his company and he now lives here, too. He uprooted his life to be close to his son and allowed me to follow my career. We were able to resume 50/50 custody and I had the most amazing life experiences through this job, which is also where I met my wonderful husband. He could have just pointed to the court papers and said 'you can't move more than 25 miles away' but he said 'you need to do this.'" -- Heather Leiva 

12. "I am thankful that my ex-husband and I were able to maintain a very positive relationship during and after our divorce, unlike so many other exes. He and I salvaged the friendship that drew us together in the beginning." -- Robin DesCamp

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