What It's Like To Be A Divorced Guy And Dating Again At 30

"This Is Divorce At..." is a HuffPost Divorce series delving into divorce at every stage of life. Want to share your experience of divorcing at a certain age? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com.

After his marriage of 10 years ended, Phil Damon found himself in an awkward position: single and begrudgingly tossed back into the dating scene. 

Though at one point he considered giving up on love, the Idaho-based writer kept dating and eventually met Nancy, the woman who would become his second wife. 

"We had both given up on love, but were pleasantly surprised when we met and learned that there are such things as 'soulmates,'" he told HuffPost.

Below, the now 40-year-old shares how he found love again and his best advice for others dating after divorce. 

At the age of 19, I moved in with the woman who would become my wife. Eleven years later, I suddenly found myself single and lost in an ocean of loneliness. Coming to acceptance that my marriage was over took some time. Once I was able to move forward, I faced a terrifying dating field.

Thirty was an awkward age to date. Since I had started the relationship with my ex-wife at 19, I never learned how to date. In addition, women in their early 20s were too young while women in their late 30s and older were generally unapproachable. As a divorced man, I carried a stigma; many woman automatically assumed that I was undateable material. In their line of thinking, I must have caused my divorce. On one date, a woman spent the majority of our time discussing how she had a low opinion of men.

After years of dating women who confessed a distrust for men -- or women who were still going through the pain of their own recent relationship lost -- I came to the decision that I would just be "me." Knowing my character, I decided that I would no longer attempt to prove myself. If someone was not willing to accept me for who I was, then I would simply move on.

At first, this strategy -- if you can call it that -– left me dateless. However, I gradually began to meet women who were open to the idea of a possible relationship. Since I was no longer concerned about proving that I really was a good guy, I was able to focus on just having fun. Some dates were simply movie dates, while others included activities like disk golf, hiking, fishing or taking rides on my motorcycle. It was a blast.

At the age of 39, I met the woman who would become my best friend and wife. In October 2015, we were married and neither of us have looked back since.

For those of you in your 30s who are divorced, both men and women, please allow me to give you some advice: Not every dateable person out there is looking to use you. At the same time, don't rush into the arms of the first person who shows interest. Don't change who you are just to make someone else happy. Respect yourself and others will take notice. You are important, and if one lesson should be learned from your divorce, it's that you deserve to be happy. Don't settle!

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These Are The Texts People Wish They Could Send Their Exes

What would you tell the one that got away?

A new photos series on Instagram explores that very question, asking people to anonymously share the texts they wish they could send their exes. The series, called The Unsent Project, is the brainchild of 19-year-old artist Rora Blue. 

Some messages speak to the pain of unresolved feelings: 

An anonymous submission to the #unsentproject. I'm working on some new and exciting things, I can't wait to share it with you guys ⭐️

A photo posted by Röra (@rorablue) on Nov 23, 2015 at 3:42pm PST

Others are a little more sassy:  

"I gave all your stuff to goodwill :)" #unsentproject I think the only cure for gloomy days is lots of coffee☕️

A photo posted by Röra (@rorablue) on Dec 7, 2015 at 11:00am PST

"You used to be my cup of tea. I drink coffee now." #unsentproject

A photo posted by Röra (@rorablue) on Dec 3, 2015 at 10:39am PST

The submission prompt on Blue's website is simple: jot off a message and share the color you associate with your former love. From there, Blue takes the faux text and prints it out on brightly colored squares of paper: 

"I think the world of you and you think the world of her" #unsentproject in a Jersey sunset by @sabbvii

A photo posted by Röra (@rorablue) on Jan 10, 2016 at 2:28pm PST

Since launching the project back in March, Blue has received roughly 26,000 submissions from all over the world. 

"To say the least, I am absolutely thrilled that the project received such a large response," she told HuffPost. "I think there has been such a strong reaction from people because love is a powerful emotion that leaves almost no one untouched." 

Read through more unsent texts below or check out Blue's Instagram account for the full collection. 

"We were just two different people that became too different of people." #unsentproject

A photo posted by Röra (@rorablue) on Jan 22, 2016 at 1:55pm PST

"All I want is for you to be happy, even if it's without me" #unsentproject

A photo posted by Röra (@rorablue) on Dec 15, 2015 at 11:48am PST

"Try and look me in the eyes and tell me what we had wasn't real" #unsentproject

A photo posted by Röra (@rorablue) on Jan 19, 2016 at 11:03am PST

"My ex and I were each other's first love, our first everything really and it is about to be the anniversary of our break up soon (October 10) and I am actually going to be in LA, and will probably go to the Santa Monica Pier, the place we fell in love." Here is @crgp_ with her submission to the #unsentproject

A photo posted by Röra (@rorablue) on Oct 16, 2015 at 11:26am PDT

"You use to kiss me so deep I forgot whose air I was breathing" #unsentproject. Photo taken by the one and only @zrbphotos I've been doing some thinking today. I love Instagram because I think it is a beautiful way for people to meet and connect with each other. Instagram provides so many artists with a platform to share their work. But on the other hand I think it is easy to get caught up in the online world and forget to experience real life. I'm still working on finding the balance between enjoying the benefits of technology but also staying grounded in my self and shutting off my phone every once and a while. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this! What do you think about Instagram?

A photo posted by Röra (@rorablue) on Jan 3, 2016 at 2:27pm PST

The #unsentproject in Seattle, WA ❤️ I put mini unsent collages up for sale on my etsy! They are only $35 and customizable. Check it out, the link is in my bio

A photo posted by Röra (@rorablue) on Dec 30, 2015 at 11:07am PST

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What To Do If You're Less Than Satisfied With Your Sex Life

Relationships are always hot and heavy in the beginning. But at some point, most people in long-term relationships experience a lull in the bedroom. The good news, besides the fact that you're not alone? It's not likely to last forever, said Chris Maxwell Rose, a Bay Area sex educator.

"Knowing that it won't last forever can take a lot of the pressure and resentment out of the situation and allow you to appreciate other parts of your relationship more fully," she told HuffPost.

If and when you do want to revive your sex life, you need to make a plan for doing so. Below, Rose and other experts share eight tips for heating things up in the bedroom.

1. Talk about it, even if it feels awkward to bring up.  

If you want to get back to having sex, you're going to have to bring up the elephant in the room: Tell your partner you're unhappy with your sex life and want things to change. The important thing is to be real with each other and gauge whether or not your S.O. feels similarly, said Angela Skurtu, a St. Louis-based therapist.

"Have a direct conversation about what you each are willing to do to rebuild your sex life," she said. "You need to both agree that you are unhappy with the quality and frequency and be willing to commit time and energy into rebuilding it."

If one of you is perfectly content with your lackluster sex life, you may need to see a therapist, Skurtu said.

2. Flirt shamelessly. 

If at this point, you can count the number of times you've held hands in the last year, it's not a good thing. Once you've had the conversation above, flirting with your spouse is the best way to demonstrate that you mean business about having sex again, said Skurtu. 

"Talk to your partner about what styles of flirtation you find exciting as well -- 'I like it when you kiss me randomly and then go do something else. It leaves me wanting more!'" Skurtu offered as an example. "You can also send flirty texts, just start to be playful again."

3. Don't wait for your partner -- go solo. 

Just because sex with your partner is infrequent doesn't mean you're not a sexual person. Masturbating more often is one of the most liberating moves you can make during this sexless period, said Bay Area sex educator Charlotte Mia Rose. 

"Everyone has an individual sexuality that is theirs alone, that can then be shared with a partner," she said. "If your partner's libido is gone, you can still have a rich and active sex life! This is a revolutionary way to think about sex in a couples-obsessed culture and it goes way beyond masturbation: You can enjoy all of the sensual pleasures of life, get into the best shape of your life and otherwise enjoy being in your body." 

In the end, the more you "cultivate your own sexuality, the more you'll have to offer your partner when they are ready to reconnect," she said. 

4. Carve out some time for a weekly sex date. 

Scheduling time for sex may sound supremely unsexy but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. When you and your partner have hit your stride again, you'll think back fondly on your days of Google calendar-suggested sex. 

"If you haven't had intercourse for a long time, don't think that you can hop in bed now and get right on that," said Tammy Nelson, a sex therapist and the author of Getting the Sex You Want. "With a sex date on the calendar, you are more likely to plan out what you can do to make it fun, different and exciting."

5. Hug and touch on a regular basis. 

Bringing sexy back isn't going to happen overnight, but it helps to remember that making a connection doesn't have to be an all or nothing deal. Start with a massage or simply touching and work your way up to sex, said sex educator Chris Maxwell Rose. 

"Affectionate touch is just as important to the health of a relationship as passionate sex," she explained. "Even if you aren't having sex, try to add more casual affection into your days; long hugs, kissing and cuddling are all wonderful ways to express your love."

Take baby steps at first, Rose added: "Aim for at least one long hug (at least 20 seconds or longer to trigger the release of oxytocin) or cuddling session a day." 

6. Revisit your sexual highlights as a couple. 

You don't want to dwell on the past (of course things were hotter in the beginning) but revisiting the highlight reel of your sex life may remind your spouse what you two are missing, Skurtu said. 

"Start from the beginning and be specific: 'You remember when we were on that hike in the woods and we ended up having sex?'" Skurtu said. "Go through old sex stories play by play and talk about how it felt for each of you during those experiences. This skill can help couples begin to feel that old spark together."

7. If something feels good, go with it. 

You may have had certain preferences back in the day. As you re-approach sex again, give yourself permission to experiment with whatever comes naturally and feels right to you both, Nelson said. It may help you get out of your rut. 

"If you ate ravioli every night of the week for year after year, wouldn't you be totally sick of ravioli?" she said. "Try something new. You aren't going to have sex if you've been together for a long time and sex has become boring or mundane."

8. Romance each other. 

Aside from sex dates, make a plan to go on actual dates, Skurtu said.  

"Go on a classic long walk on the beach, dress up sexy for each other or light a fire at home," she said. "The key is to put some effort into the time you spend with your spouse." 

And if your date night turns into a sex night, just consider it a bonus. ;) 

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10 Phrases To Strike From Your Vocabulary After Marriage

Want to avoid ending up on the proverbial couch at any point in your relationship? Watch your words. 

Below, psychologists and relationship experts share 10 things you should never say to your S.O.

1. "Why don't you ever do what I ask you to do?" 

You're setting yourself up to fail whenever you throw out all-or-nothing, black-and-white statements like this, said Marcia Sirota, a psychiatrist and the author of Women Decoded: The Secret Strategy for Relationship Success. (Think: "You never wash the dishes" or "Will I always be the one who has to bring up our anniversary?") 

"It implies that they only ever do things one negative way, which couldn't possibly be true," she said. "Your spouse will feel pigeonholed and will become defensive and possibly even resentful toward you." 

Instead of generalizing, Sirota said you'd be better off pointing to a specific, singular example of the behavior you find annoying. 

2. "You're being just like your father/mother." 

It doesn't matter how healthy a relationship your partner has with his or her parents: comparing them to dear old dad or mom mid-argument is a particularly low blow, even if the comparison is true, said Megan Fleming, a psychologist and instructor of psychology at Cornell University in New York. 

"We've all had certain models of behaviors that we can't stand and sometimes, we've unconsciously or even consciously adopted these reactive ways of responding in frustrating moments," she told HuffPost.

Instead of insulting your spouse and your in-laws through comparison, Fleming suggests you work as a team to identify the passed down, negative behavior patterns. Once you've figured it out, your spouse can work on it. 

3. "We need to talk but now is not a good time."

If you keep putting those big relationship conversations on hold, you have to wonder: Will there ever be a good time to talk? What's more, the anticipation of not knowing what's going on is bound to make your partner feel uneasy, said Susan Krauss Whitbourne, a psychologist who writes Psychology Today's "Fulfillment At Any Age" blog. 

"It creates anxiety without providing an avenue for alleviating that anxiety," she explained. "It's also a controlling statement. If you feel the need to talk, then wait until you have the time and ask if your partner has whatever length of time you need." 

4.  "Stop talking." (Or its uglier alternative: "Just shut up.") 

If you find yourself telling your spouse to "shut up" mid-argument, go directly to jail, do not pass go, and most definitely do not collect $200 -- you've made a huge slip and don't deserve it.

"This phrase is controlling, disrespectful and kills communication," said Kurt Smith, a therapist who specializes in counseling men. "The lifeblood of marriage is love and communication; this phrase destroys both." 

5. "Will you please just relax!"

Unless your goal is to prolong your partner's anger during an argument, don't tell them to "calm down" or "relax." These phrases don't bring stress levels down -- they're more likely to trigger hostility and make you look like the bad guy, Sirota said. 

"These statements imply that your partner is unable to control themselves -- it feels like you're treating them like a child," she said.

A more helpful phrase is, "Hey, let's both try to take a deep breath," Sirota said. "That will be heard as a gentle reminder, whereas the other phrase will be heard as a put down." 

6. "I want a divorce." 

Regardless of how mad you are, don't claim you have a divorce attorney on speed dial unless you really do. While this may seem painfully obvious compared to some of the other phrases on the list, you'd be surprised how many couples let the D-word slip during counseling, said Smith. 

"For some couples this is a common threat they use, but never act upon," the Northern California-based therapist said. "When you say this, it destabilizes the relationship and makes it unsafe, which paralyzes growth and change."

In other words, don't make empty threats or issue ultimatums unless you mean business, Smith said. 

7. "How do I compare to your ex?" 

Asking questions about your partner's ex and how you compare is very risky, said Fleming. Sure, you may feel flattered by how you stack up -- but there's an equally good chance you'll be put off by their response. 

"This question just sets your partner up," she said. "Don't sabotage yourself or your relationship in this way." 

8. "You don't bring me flowers anymore." 

Flowers in this instance are a stand-in for just about anything your S.O. used to do: You don't kiss me on the forehead before bed; you don't send me cute text messages throughout the day. Whatever your complaint is, issuing it in a declarative, accusing way corners your spouse and makes it difficult to respond, Krauss Whitbourne said. 

"These kinds of statements are unrealistic and a bit passive aggressive," she said. "It make your partner feel defensive."

9. "We never should have gotten married." 

This is on par with the casual divorce threats, Smith said. 

"Characterizing the whole marriage as a mistake stings to the core," he explained. "This is another statement that is said to hurt and comes from the speaker's own hurt. It's almost never really meant, but wounds very deeply."

10. "Why can't you look a little more like him or her?" 

You may think David Beckham looks amazing with an undercut but suggesting your spouse go out and get the same haircut in a heavy-handed way is not likely to go over well, Krauss Whitbourne said. 

"Comparing your partner to someone else is never a good idea, and it's particularly bad to add in an accusation or criticism along with the comparison," she said. "Even if you're asked, 'Is X prettier/more good-looking than me?' stay away from judgments that put your partner in an unfavorable light. There's nothing to be gained other than to create hurt feelings. You can give an honest answer but don't forget to compliment your spouse's look, too."

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Love So Deeply, Hurt Too Much

"I can't live without him." "I need her back." "He was my everything." "She was my life." When we love so deeply and we lose that love, the hurt is so profound it feels like an empty whole in our soul. The words "my heart is broken" could not feel more true. How do I help? How do I show a client who is in the darkest hours that this too shall pass? The truth is, the pain they are in is a testimony to the depth of love that they had for their lost one. My job now, hard as it is, is to get them to find a way to accept this. To honor the past and let it go.

There is no denying that we yearn for a life to share with another. We are humans who do feel complete when in the arms of a soulmate. Note, I say, "feel complete." The truth is we are complete with or without a partner in our life. Now, how do I get my heartbroken client to see this, feel this and live this. Heartbreak is a journey that takes you through all the five Stages of Grief. You remember them, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. But unlike the death of a loved one, when a partner purposely leaves you, that person becomes an integral part of the grief process and all the stages to healing. Why? Because they are still in your life. Most of the time, they are in a physical proximity to you. They live near you. They shop at the same favorite stores. They dine at your favorite restaurant. Which is totally wrong because it was yours before you shared it with them. Not to mention the slew of mutual friends you have. Friends that somehow nourish your obsession by filling you in on every detail of the ex's life.

So you start the bargaining again. "If you come back I promise I will change!". But now the bargaining is cycling with anger. You see them on Instagram or Facebook moving on without you. One too many glasses of wine causes you to pick up that phone and drunk dial them. Ouch. Did you really do that? Now you're angry at them and at yourself. And still, they don't come back. Eventually, the depression hits.

The depression is the darkest part of this journey. But, hallelujah! It is also the biggest step to acceptance. The bargaining has stopped. The anger is no longer covering the ache in your heart. You see the truth, that this relationship is really over. Now the healing can begin. Its time to turn the depression into mourning.

Let me explain. Depression takes you down into a black hole. Mourning is sadness. Sadness is what I need my clients to find. "I am so sad over what is no more. I am so sad that I lost my friend. I am so sad that the dreams I had for our future are over." It hurts like hell. But once I see my client truly mourning I know that there is light at the end of their deep dark grief tunnel. For after mourning comes acceptance.

This mourning stage can take a long time for some and for others it is a jumpstart to freedom. When you are in mourning you are no longer holding the relationship hope angel in your heart. You are no longer hoping for what was. THIS is when I can get my clients to look to the future. Forward focus, forward focus, and just look up! You are now on, what I like to call, the ladder to healing. On a good day we can pull it together and focus on the future and we fly up the ladder three steps. Then other days something hits us and we stumble back down a step. Hopefully, just hopefully, it was three steps up and only one step down. Then the next time it's four steps up and one step down. All of a sudden, miracle of miracles, praise the healing Gods, you realize that you are almost to the top. On each step higher the days get brighter as your heart gets lighter. Then one day there it is. There are no more steps to take. You are standing there all by yourself! Ain't the view pretty up there! You are healed.

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What to Do When You Get Blindsided by Divorce

My wife hates surprises. Imagine what would happened if one day I just moved out and she got served with a complaint for divorce? (Honey, if you're reading this... I'm just saying this for illustrative purposes).

Whether you like surprises or not, getting the news that your spouse wants a divorce hits you like a ton of bricks.

At first, you sort of ignore it, like it was dream and go on with your daily routine. Then, you get a notice in the mail that you need to appear in court for something and it becomes real. COURT!!??

You don't even have a lawyer!

This scenario has happened to a lot of my past clients. The last thing you want is to feel overwhelmed, confused and have a pending court date with no lawyer. Heck, even with a lawyer, you still feel anxious and not sure what to do. Tip: it's normal to feel that way.

The Positive Side of Divorce

Yes, you read that correctly. Divorce isn't always all negative. Sometimes, life gives people opportunities they would have never had if not for divorce.

Don't believe me? Let me give you an example.

One woman, after 20 years of marriage, at the age of 43, got blindsided with divorce when her husband filed and turned her world upside down. She hadn't finished her schooling to become a nurse and had to find a way to pay the bills.

Instead of withering and becoming a victim of circumstance, she did what she knew and it turned into a life-altering opportunity that has her flourishing in a new and unforeseen career.

To make ends meet, she began selling smoked turkey legs using an old family recipe. After some initial success, she borrowed money from a friend and opened her own food truck. Today, she operates multiple food trucks and is a small business owner.

Who knew?!

She was on track to be a nurse before her husband filed for divorce. Owning a business, let alone a food truck business wasn't even on the radar! Yet, look at her today. What's my point?

Divorce Opens Up New Opportunities -- Take Advantage!

This article isn't about trivializing divorce, or the effects it can have on your lifestyle, emotional health and your overall well-being. It's about what comes next, after the divorce and the possibilities that lay ahead for you.

We've all heard the saying, "think outside the box." I'm sick of it myself, but it's applicable here. You're getting divorced... that's not going to change. How you deal with it and move on is within your control.

Divorce = opportunity.

What are you going to do with this opportunity?

Ask yourself, what did you want to do when you were younger, but never had the opportunity to do? Can you do it now?

We all have talents. Yes, it's true, even for you. Divorce is the perfect time for some serious self-reflection and to identify those talents (if you haven't already) and ask yourself if you can use them to make money. I think you'd be surprised by how often the answer is yes to that question.

I'm not talking about quick fixes, or overnight success. I'm talking about taking this newfound opportunity in your life to follow your passion and try something you never thought of trying, or always wanted to try. Like the woman who was studying to be a nurse, but now operates a successful food truck business.

Now, you might already be a seasoned professional who doesn't need to find a way to make more money and pay the bills. This is for those of you who feel like the rug was pulled out from under your feet and you don't know how you are going to financially survive in a post-divorce world.

Thriving After Divorce Is Possible

Don't count yourself out. As a divorce attorney, I often become numb to the whole process because I do it every day. But, I refuse to let my clients, and others I come across, sit there in pity because they are getting divorced. I will tell you what I tell them: Consider yourself lucky you don't have to spend more time in an unhealthy marriage and toxic environment.

You deserve better! Now, go get it.

If you're in a contentious divorce, I promise it will eventually be over. It may not be tomorrow, next week, or a year from now, but it will end. Now is the time to figure out who you are and who you want to be in your post-divorce life. Now is the time to thrive, not wither.

Jason Levoy, a/k/a The Divorce Resource Guy, is an attorney who coaches people without a lawyer how to get through the divorce process and represent themselves like a professional. He moderates a Private Divorce Facebook Group where people going through divorce can be part of a supportive community.

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The Pros And Cons Of Starting Your Divorce Proceedings In January

Ask a tax accountant to name her busiest time of year, and she'll likely tell you it's the weeks leading up to April 15. Ask a bookkeeper, and you'll hear about the crunch time towards the end of the fiscal year. For people in the wedding business, it's June. And for family law attorneys and other divorce professionals? Well, they know to expect the phone to ring off the hook in January. In fact, the upsurge in divorce filings with the New Year is so pronounced that the first business day of January is sometimes called "Divorce Monday."

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