9 Not-So-Obvious Signs Your Partner Isn't 'The One'

Your partner should bring out the best in you, inspire you to grow and make you laugh like nobody's business. If that's not happening, you're probably with the wrong person. 

Below, experts share nine signs the person you're with might not be right for you. 

1. She doesn't see your full potential. 

The right partner sees your worth and won't make you feel anxious about where you are in life, said Washington D.C-based psychologist Alicia H. Clark. And she certainly won't suggest you change to fit her idea of the perfect partner.

"As simple as it sounds, there is much value built into feeling comfortable -- safe, accepted, valued, supported, understood and wanted -- in a relationship," she said. "A good partner helps you feel more like yourself, not less so." 

2. He doesn't share your sense of humor. 

The two of you should be like the romantic version of Key and Peele: Comedic peas in a pod who can make each other laugh, said Alexandra H. Solomon, a psychologist at the Family Institute at Northwestern University. If not, the hard times you'll inevitably face together are going to be a lot harder. 

"As you travel through life with a partner, there are so many bumps in the road; being able to find levity even in dark and difficult moments makes the tough stuff so much more bearable," Solomon said. 

3. She doesn't fight fair.

You're bound to disagree but the right woman will try her damnedest to avoid name-calling and a knock-down, drag-out war of words, said Marina Sbrochi, a dating coach and the author of Stop Looking for a Husband: Find the Love of Your Life. 

"How you fight determines if the relationship grows or rots," she said. "A great catch is mature enough to disagree and work through things like a mature adult. No name-calling, raging, dirty tricks and never anything physical."

4. He's not your bestie. 

Your partner should be your ride-or-die, the Jay to your Beyoncé and the one person you *might* be able to forgive for giving you the flu. If he's not, well, you're probably the with the wrong guy, said Boston-based wellness coach Jennifer Barrows.

"If you're not good friends, then it may be time to reassess," she said. "If your friendship is strong, your relationship will be built on a foundation that can handle both everyday stresses like getting the kids to school and household chores as well as crisis situations." 

5. She's untrustworthy. 

Honesty is imperative, said Barrows. If you can't trust your partner, you have no foundation for a relationship. 

"Expecting honesty from your partner shows that you have respect for yourself," she said. "Of course, this is a two-way street: If you find that both you and your partner are being blatantly dishonest with each other, you owe yourself some major introspection." 

6. He's not willing to help out around the house. 

Ain't nobody got time for tired gender roles in a modern-day relationship. The right guy (or gal) isn't afraid to get their hands dirty in the kitchen and clean up around the house, Sbrochi said. 

"If he has problems with gender expectations, he's not the one," she said. "Gone are the days of the man being the sole breadwinner and the wife being at home, cooking and cleaning. It's an equal opportunity world now and he should see you as an equal partner." 

7. She's oblivious to mistakes she made in past relationships. 

We're creatures of habit: How we behaved in earlier relationships has bearing on our future relationships. Your partner should be up to the task of evaluating what went wrong last time around to avoid making the same mistakes again, Solomon said. 

"Curiosity about the self is a key ingredient for a healthy, intimate relationship," she explained. "Every relationship has problems and relationship problems are always made up of 'your stuff,' 'my stuff' and 'our stuff.' In order to successfully navigate relationship challenges, you need to be with someone who is willing to look at their part of the 'dance.'"

8 He doesn't take responsibility for his actions. 

The right partner will own his mistakes wholesale. No empty apologies or finger-wagging, just the healthy, grown-up ability to admit he was wrong so you two can move on, Clark said. 

"It's not so much that your partner never makes mistakes -- that's impossible." she said. "Mistakes are how we learn in life and in love. Being able to recognize and learn from them is what keeps us and our relationships healthy." 

9. She doesn't bring out the best in you. 

In moments when you're being hyper-critical or doubting yourself, your S.O. should be quick to come in with moral support, reminding you of your worth and that your latest personal crisis is sure to blow over. 

"One of the markers of a successful and healthy relationship is a capacity to see the positives in a situation and not dwell too much on the negative," said Clark. "[A partner] who has the capacity to focus on the positive will help you maintain your connection over the long-term." 

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The Real Talk I'd Give Myself About Marriage On My Wedding Day

At 32, Rosemond Perdue Cranner felt more than prepared to say "I do" on her wedding day. 

"My ex and I had lived together for seven years already so I smugly thought I had it all figured out -- wrong," the writer told HuffPost recently. 

The couple separated in 2010 after 12 years of marriage. Below, Perdue Cranner -- who blogs at Round and Round Rosie -- shares what she wishes she had known about love before she tied the knot. 

Dear younger me, 

I'm offering a few words of advice for you on this special day. I hope you can pause long enough to consider them.

I don't want to criticize you, but frankly you've got it all wrong. You are spending your time concentrating on things that don't really matter. You need to stop worrying about today, the wedding, and start concentrating on what's really important: the health of this impending marriage.

Today will be over in the blink of an eye. You won't even remember most of it. And your guests really don't care that much anyway about which font you used on your invitation or if the table linens were white or ecru. Engraved invitations, pretty dresses and twinkly lights are all nice but they are not really that important in the long run. And they certainly don't make a successful marriage.

If you only knew what was facing you down the road, you'd rethink your priorities. Making today, this one single event, special should be way less important than making a marriage work.

There are already some major problems in this relationship that you've been avoiding. You know they're there. Don't ignore them a second longer. Don't hide. These problems don't magically go away once you have a ring on your finger. In fact, once you're safely ensconced in the cocoon of marriage, these problems get worse.

How will you handle money? How will you handle conflicts? How will you resolve disagreements?

Argue. Scream. Shout. Don't hide like you so often do. Don't shrink from a fight. Don't back down. If you care enough to get married, care enough to battle it out, to set some ground rules for yourself and for this relationship. If you can't come to an agreement, then that should tell you something.

Instead of obsessing over the place settings, deal with how you communicate with your soon-to-be husband. Instead of worrying about the seating chart, discuss how you plan to solve conflicts.

There's some major heartache heading your way.

Money issues. Miscarriages. Depression. Disappointment. Disillusionment. Aging and dying parents. Frankly your relationship, as it stands, isn't strong enough to weather them.

If there's anything that's bugging you, anything hanging in the air, tell him. Talk about it. Risk being wrong. 

Spend some of the money you're blowing today on the wedding on a marriage counselor instead. You're going to need it.

This evening will flash by in a blur. You'll even forget to eat. Your budget is history.

Stop. Slow down.

Figure out how you're going to handle the hard times while the living is easy. And remember: You don't owe a bad marriage to anyone.

Love,
Your future (and smarter) self

Want to share what you'd tell yourself on your wedding day now that you're divorced? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com to share your story.

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'X-Files' Star Gillian Anderson Opens Up About Her Relationship Status

Gillian Anderson's current relationship status? Single -- and happily so. 

In a new interview with The Guardian, the "X-Files" star said she's been perfectly content on her own since splitting from businessman Mark Griffiths, her partner of six years and the father of her two sons, back in 2012.

“I am content. I don’t feel anything is lacking in my life. I certainly don’t sit on bar stools, pining," the 47-year-old told the paper.

Plus, Anderson -- who will reprise her iconic role as Agent Dana Scully in Fox's new "The X-Files" revival later this month -- isn't willing to date just anyone. 

“The thing is that there are needs and there are wants. I have a list of needs and I will not compromise about those," she said. "But aside from that… I don’t meet anybody! It’s not like I meet people, and they ask me out, and I say no. It’s not even like I meet people and I don’t give them enough attention. I just don’t meet them at all. I’m either on a plane, or on set, or with my children."

She's not averse to a blind date, though. 

"There have been people in my life who’ve tried to set me up, and if a friend said, ‘I know someone amazing,’ I would show up," she said. "But here’s the thing: I’ve got three children. It’s a big ask.”

Anderson was married to Clyde Klotz, with whom she has a daughter, from 1994 to 1997. Following her divorce, the actress wed journalist and bio-fuel entrepreneur Julian Ozanne in 2004, before splitting two years later. She and Griffiths got together in 2006. 

(Story continues under the photo.) 

In an interview with The Telegraph back in March, Anderson joked that she's waiting for someone to be "brave enough" to ask her out. 

"If it happens, it happens," she told the paper. "What I am sure about is that I want my next relationship to be The One."

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'My Parents Split When I Was 28 After 40 Years Of Marriage'

"When My Parents Split Up" is a HuffPost series that explores what it's like to have your parents divorce at all ages, from infancy to adulthood. Want to share your experience as a child of divorce? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com.

When she was 28, Raquelle E. learned that her parents were splitting up after 40 years of marriage. Two years later, the sixth grade teacher from Chicago is still trying to make her peace with the divorce. 

"Given my job, I constantly have to put on a happy face," she told The Huffington Post. "It was extremely difficult but it also forced me to move on, whether I liked it or not."

Below, the 30-year-old tells us more of her story.

Breaking The News:

"My mom told me and my siblings without my dad present and it became very difficult for us to 'choose sides' as their kids. We got caught in the middle of a lot of back-and-forth. We tried to make the most rational decisions possible and made vows to each other that we would never disband as siblings. No matter what, we were going to stick together on all of our decisions. That was probably the biggest testament to my parents' love and the work they did with us as children: We refused to let divorce break our bond. Even when my parents wanted nothing to do with each other, we have refused to allow anything between us because we are family. And we will always be family." 

The First Few Years:

"It still feels raw, especially during the holidays. It's been two years since finding out and it's still a struggle but I am trying. I'm navigating new relationships with my family and it feels like a lot of maintaining individual relationships -- it’s no longer the 'unit' I had. The first few years were a blur. At an age where everyone was talking about marriage, everything I thought I knew about relationships blew up in my face. I didn’t know where to start. I spent a lot of my time cursing my way through weddings and celebrating other people’s happiness while I felt like I was dying inside. I felt selfish for my feelings; here it was the best time of their lives and the worst time of mine. How could we possibly help each other? I learned that it was best to deal with things on my own. A lot of people don’t want to hear your sob story so it’s important to find people who will be that shoulder to lean on, no matter what. If that person isn’t there, have faith in yourself. You are strong and right in all that you feel. It’s OK to lose your shit. You’re losing your shit because it mattered. Because it’s important." 

The Impact:

"I was a 28-year-old woman with a sense of family, relationships and security all well-established; it was traumatizing to have my world flipped upside down and having to figure out a new normal. What I once relied on as my safety net was no longer there. It felt like a death in a lot of ways. It may sound dramatic but it was the death of my family as I knew it. At the same time, I was in and out of relationships of my own and I felt like I was constantly grasping for a sense of stability. I still feel that way, but have learned to become more sound in being on my own and finding peace within myself."

Her Relationship With Her Parents Today:

"My parents are two absolutely incredible people and I feel very lucky to be their daughter. I try as hard as I can to stay focused on the type of parents they are to me. I cannot agonize over the messy details of their divorce because I cannot control that. No matter what happens, I will never have all the answers. I will never know exactly what happened or didn’t happen but I know that they both love me dearly and are amazing parents. I try to let go of any resentment I have and be the best daughter I can be. I love them both with all of my heart." 

The Takeaway:

"If you're an adult child of divorce, don’t let anyone tell you how to handle your pain or accept the idea that it’s somehow 'easier' if you're grown up. Feel what you feel and don’t feel sorry about it. Don’t ever let anyone tell you when it’s time to be positive and move on. Don’t let anyone dismiss your pain. You are strong and you are going through something that not many people understand. Divorce is never easy but I would argue that’s it’s much more difficult when you fully understand what’s going on. Know that you will have an advantageous outlook and better understanding on life and relationships because of this experience. You will never get over it but you will learn how to cope. And that’s OK."

 

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Tips for Going Back to Work After Divorce

I can't count the number of women I know who were stay-at-home moms when they were married, and for financial reasons had to go back to work after divorce. That includes me, and I can say firsthand how unbelievably difficult the transition was.

So, how do you land a job you love that also fits your single mom lifestyle? It's not easy, but it is certainly doable! Here are eight job searching tips I wish I could have told myself as a mom going back to work after divorce.

1. Get help writing your resume. How many years has it been since you put together a resume? For me it had been over a decade. Get some help with it. Ask people who work if you can see their resumes to get an idea of how to write yours. Have friends and professionals edit it for you and give you feedback.

2. Consider working with a job coach to help you decide what jobs to go after. Probably the hardest thing about going back to work after divorce is figuring out what jobs to go after. Lots of things have changed since you left your last job, and most of the job descriptions are confusing. What do you want to do? What are you qualified to do? What hours can you work? How much do these jobs pay? Job coaches work with you to determine the right career fit and explain and put those wordy and complicated job descriptions into plain English!

3. Practice interviewing. It may seem silly, but you haven't had a job interview in awhile. Practice in the mirror, practice with your kids, practice with your sister or your friends. Keep practicing so that when you are actually interviewing, your words come out easily and smoothly.

4. Network like crazy. The best way to get a job is to contact everyone you know, and I mean everyone. Past coworkers are the best. People love hearing from old friends. You will be so surprised at how receptive people will be to you. Remember that it isn't easy for employers to find good candidates, so they appreciate referrals from people they know. If a friend recommends you, you have such a better chance!

5. Face fear of technology head on. When I got my Mac four years ago, I was so scared. It was a purchase that took me 2 years to find the courage to even make. I was afraid I wouldn't know how to use it. But what I found was that I caught on quickly and within a week, was fully trained. Computer technology can be intimidating, so you just have to tell yourself you aren't afraid, that you are intelligent, and that you have faith in yourself that you will figure it out. And, if you have kids, they are the best training manuals out there!

6. Get a physical makeover. Feeling confident while interviewing requires feeling good about yourself on the outside. That means regular gym visits, eating healthy, and perhaps a new haircut, new interviewing outfits, and regular manicures. Oh, and ladies, always wear lipstick to your interviews. Lipstick will make you feel prettier, which will give you that extra boost of self-confidence.

7. Talk to other working single moms. There is no better source than another single working mom to talk to you about balancing work and kids. She will ease your anxiety and make you realize how not only workable it is, but how happy you are going to be!

8. Believe in yourself. The most important tip I can give is to have faith in yourself and your abilities. When you worked before you had kids, I bet you were a superstar. If you were that before, there is no reason to believe you won't be that again. I'm stealing this quote from my son's basketball coach: "The only thing holding you back is you." In other words, you have the talent and the skill. But to activate it, you need to believe it. Kind of reminds me of Dorothy and her ruby slippers!

Going back to work after divorce is life changing. It is scary as hell for many reasons, but I truly believe nothing bad and everything good comes from it. The countless benefits include everything from more financial security to new friendships to more opportunities to a new sense of self-esteem and confidence. In other words, you will love yourself, which is so important as a single mom.

This is your time to be strong and determined, to grasp all of your inner strength, and to go out and get the job you love, that you deserve, and that you will make you a huge success, both financially and emotionally. And when you land it, I guarantee, like me, you will have tears in your eyes from gratitude, self-pride, an immense amount of relief, and of course, excitement! Good luck!

Jackie Pilossoph is the author of her blog, Divorced Girl Smiling, and the comedic divorce novels, Divorced Girl Smiling and Free Gift With Purchase. She also writes feature stories, along with the weekly dating and relationships column, Love Essentially" for Chicago Tribune Media Group local publications. Pilossoph lives in Chicago. Oh, and she's divorced.

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This Bio-Mom And Stepmom's Friendship Is Nothing Short Of Inspiring

As part of our Blended Family Friday series, each week we spotlight stepfamilies to learn how they've worked to bring their kids together. Our hope is that by telling their stories, we'll bring you closer to blended family bliss in your own life! Want to share your story? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com.  

Katie Nemer and her son's stepmom, Julie Cox, blog about raising their blended family at Adventures In Co-Parenting.

Besides being writing partners, they're very close friends, though both admit that forging that friendship didn't happen overnight. 

Below, the two moms share how they grew to be parenting partners for the sake of Katie's son (and Julie's stepson) Jackson. 

Hi Katie and Julie. Please introduce us to your family.
Katie: I have a family of five: there's me, my husband Josh, Jackson (13), Zoe (5) and Preston (3).

Julie: There are five of us in the Cox family: me, my husband JT and our three busy boys: Jackson (13), Declan (5) and Beckett (3).

Julie, when did you come into JT and Jackson’s life?
JT and I have been together for eight years, married for six. When we were introduced by mutual friends, I was very impressed with his dedication to Jackson -- his cute-single-dad status was definitely part of the initial attraction.

Tell us a little bit about your co-parenting relationship and how it evolved. 
Katie: Not too long after JT and Julie first started dating, she called me up a week before school started and announced that she had gone school supply shopping with Jackson and gotten everything on his class list: the backpack, crayons, all of it. It’s a moment in time I will likely never forget; I couldn’t tell if I was totally pissed off that she had stepped on my toes by doing this with him and not asking me if I wanted to take him, or completely relieved that the school supply shopping was done and off my to-do list. I realized this was my opportunity to define our relationship: Either she would be ‘that woman’ who just stepped in and bought my son a backpack or she could be my new best friend, hand-delivered by the mom fairies to help me manage my complicated life. It was a very instinctive choice and I’ve never looked back.

Julie: I don’t know the exact statistics, but I’m pretty sure there aren’t many people who are friends with someone who procreated with their spouse. And we’re not talking just smile-and-wave kind of friends here. We’re talking first-call-when-in-labor and dance-at-each-other’s-weddings kind of friends. To be honest, though, it wasn’t always this way. Initially, I was extremely intimidated by Katie. She had had a baby with my husband and it took a lot for me to not think about that every time we saw each other. Eventually though, after confronting my insecurities and realizing that this had the potential to be a very real and positive friendship, we have grown it into something we are very proud of and have come to count on.

What are some of the biggest challenges of blended family life?
Katie: A huge challenge that comes with co-parenting is accepting that sometimes your child is not with you. We have literally bartered out holidays at times ("You can have him for Easter because we had him for Christmas"). And even though I have been doing this for years, there are times I forget what weekend Jackson is with his Dad and Julie, and inadvertently attend a family event without him. It’s difficult knowing I am disappointing people who want to see him. I contemplated bringing a Jackson blow up doll to Thanksgiving once, but I figured Great Grandma H. would see through it.

Julie: Co-parenting is a tough lesson in sharing for all of us, but especially for Jackson’s adoring little brothers. They have a hard time accepting when it’s not our “turn” to have Jackson for the week. Sometimes they just cry for their “big brudder” and my heart breaks for them. That being said, I’m pretty sure they are catching on that this is a soft spot of mine, because one of my 3-year-old’s recent crying fits was immediately followed up by a request for ice cream to help him not be sad any more.

What's the best thing about being part of a blended family? What makes you proudest of your family?
Katie: I always have the “Jackson board of directors” to run issues and big decisions by. And JT and Julie are super nerdy and make spreadsheets for everything, which is actually really helpful. I’m extremely proud of the fact that we have never once needed an attorney or mediator. We have always worked it out ourselves.

Julie: I’m not going to lie, I love the shock value that comes along with telling people how well the four of us co-parents get along. Co-parents are so often painted as natural enemies, whereas really the opposite can be and should be true.

What advice do you have for other bio-parents and stepparents who just can't seem to get along? 
Katie: Co-parenting is challenging but extremely rewarding, and anyone can do it. It has to be a conscious decision made by the adults to put the wants and needs of the kids before their own and let go of the past. Also do simple things like buy each other birthday cards or just say a kind word to show you still respect each other as people. Small but meaningful gestures like these truly can add peace to the chaos.

Julie: Bad things may have happened to drive you apart, and those bad things may have led to bad blood. No matter what, though, you will always have one thing in common: love for your shared child(ren). If you are committed to being an active part of your child’s life, then you have to commit to being a part of the co-parent’s life. There is no way around this. As we’ve found, co-parenting isn’t always easy, but loving your kids is.

What's your divorce or co-parenting-related New Year's resolution?
Katie: I am notoriously a bit territorial. In 2016, I would like to promise my extremely intelligent, amazing son Jackson that I will be better about not making a huge fuss about him keeping his new fleece (or whatever) at our house. If he can’t take it with him, it won’t feel like his and I respect that. (In my defense, their house eats snow boots. But it’s OK because of the year our house "swallowed" all of Jackson’s pants.) 

Julie: Communicating with a teenager can sometimes be difficult. One-word answers, often coupled with an eye roll, seem to be Jackson's go-to responses to, well, everything. My co-parenting New Year’s resolution is to continue to work on my relationship with my stepson, even if it involves patiently dealing with his teenage communication walls. As a high school teacher, I cringe internally every time a student says negative things about a stepparent. I can't help but worry: Jackson will never say these things about me, right? Jackson and I share a lot of interests so there's a lot we can talk about. He is so important to me and I want to make sure he knows that, even if I get a couple of eye rolls in the process.

 

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Ladies: Three Red Flags the Relationship Is Doomed (and Why You Should Run!)

Over the years as a divorce attorney I've seen hundreds of relationships falling to pieces in a variety of creative ways. Time and again people come up with new ways to screw up their marriages. But too often my clients knew they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place! Rather than walk down the aisle, they should have run the other direction. Here are three serious red flags that you shouldn't stay in the relationship (or heed my warning: your story will end the same way!)

1. He doesn't see his child.
He's got a thousand reasons why he won't spend time with his kid: his ex "poisoned" the child's mind against him; the court would only give him "bogus" time when he has to work instead; the kid prioritizes cheerleading or any other activity over her dad. I'm calling his bluff: active dads will fight to the bitter end to spend time with their kids. They are every bit as Momma Bear as, well, a momma bear when it comes to being a good parent. You may not believe good dads are out there but I know them and they are real! Good dads will not buckle under the pressure and work that having a child requires. He will change diapers, do midnight feedings and dishes, take her to the doctor, fold her baby clothing and fiercely protect her when needed. If your guy has accepted that he just won't see his child, ask yourself how much he'll prioritize a child he has with you. And then run, don't walk, the other way.

2. He's hiding assets from his ex-wife.
Just because he's divorced isn't a strike against him. But the danger zone: He hid money during the divorce to keep it out of his ex-wife's hands -- girl, you better run! He blames his behavior on his ex-wife of course, because she was so terrible and "money grubbing," he had to funnel money to family members. He just had to put assets in his sister's name and make withdrawals from accounts so as to move cash to another bank or another country. Really. Whether he confided in you that he hid the marital money, or worse, you met him during the divorce and watched him hiding his money, the odds are strong that he'll do the same in your own divorce! Not running yet? Consider that the odds are high you will be getting a divorce: Statistically he's at an increased risk for a second divorce (65 percent or more of second marriages fail), AND he prioritizes money over honesty and people, AND he does not take responsibility for his actions. Get out your running shoes!

3. You were the one he cheated with.
The logic follows that if you were the one he cheated with, later you'll be the one he cheats on. Once a cheater, always a cheater? Maybe not. But I have to tell you that I've had more cases of women who told me they "should have known" he would cheat on them, because they were the affairs that broke up his first marriage! They never seem that surprised when they discover he's been cheating. "The signs were there," said one client, I'll call her Sasha. "The late nights at the office and sudden trips canceled or re-routed. Unexplained expenses including cheap jewelry. This is what he did with me to end his first marriage!" At the time, Sasha said her affair seemed wildly romantic so she didn't listen to that nagging feeling -- it seemed like fate but he was just married to the wrong person. Or maybe he just has huge commitment and honesty problems! Lesson 1: Listen to your gut. Lesson 2: Karma is a b*tch ladies, so watch your back (or better yet, run from this one).

Did you know the relationship was doomed from the start? Discuss in the comments.

Blog originally found on The Divorce Artist.

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