If You've Just Been Cheated On, Here's What To Do Next

There's no "right" way to respond after discovering your partner cheated. Whether you decide to stay or go, it's going to be a long, difficult road to rebuilding trust and feeling OK again, said Laura Miolla, a professional divorce coach based in Boston. 

"Your relationship is now compromised and tainted by betrayal and deceit," she said. "It’s easy to wonder 'what did I do wrong?' but their infidelity is not a reflection of you. It was your partner's choice."

Below, Miolla and other experts share how to process and move forward after infidelity. 

1. Give your partner a chance to explain what happened.

Don't make a hasty decision on whether you'll stay or leave, especially if your partner's betrayal seemed to come out of nowhere. Carve out some time when you can calmly and clearly discuss what led your partner to cheating, said Helen Zielinski Landon, a psychologist based in Santa Monica, California.

"See if you can get your questions answered and if you feel that you can forgive and move forward with your partner," she said."Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting. There will be work to be done, but it’s possible to find renewed strength in the relationship with new honesty, an appreciation for what could have been lost and a new commitment to improving your bond." 

2. Remind yourself that you are not to blame for the infidelity.

Disavow yourself of the idea that you are in any way, shape or form responsible for your partner cheating. It was their major lapse in judgement, not yours, said Miolla. 

"Regardless of the reasons why, your partner made a conscious decision to put their desires above the relationship and above you," she said. "Separate yourself from ­­­­­­­­­­your partner's choice. Accountability lies squarely with your partner and their decision. There's no need to own their issues." 

3. Prioritize your own needs and protect yourself. 

Of course you still care for your partner. Right now, though, it's critical that you put yourself first, said Tracy Schorn, the author of Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide. 

"You still love this person and that’s tragic and understandable, but right now you need to love yourself more and start enforcing your boundaries," she told us. "This is essential whether you reconcile or end it. Discovery does not always lead to unvarnished honesty on the part of the cheater so put your shields up." 

4. If you can, get professional help. 

While debating your next move, get some outside perspective, said Leslie Petruk, a marriage and family therapist based in Charlotte, North Carolina. (And no, not just your friend who never liked your partner anyway.) 

"This probably isn’t a journey the two of you can do on your own," she said. "A trained professional can help guide you through the difficult process of rebuilding trust."

5. Ask yourself: Was this the last straw or the first strike? 

There's a big difference between a partner's first offense and the most recent betrayal in a long line of questionable behavior, Zielinski Landon said. 

"If what happened to you is the last or the worst in a long string of smaller betrayals or abuses of your trust, then it’s probably time to go," she suggested. "Often there are signs and indicators that a relationship has run its course, but we are afraid to move on. See this as a great opportunity to move on; finally you have something solid to help propel you forward and compel you to leave."

6. Assess where the marriage broke down.

While you are categorically not to blame for your S.O. cheating on you, it's very likely that the condition of your marriage was poor leading up to it. An affair is usually a symptom of problems in the relationship, where one person simply acts out, Petruk said. 

"Both of you participated in the break down in the relationship, whether you stopped communicating honestly, didn’t resolve conflicts or just stopped caring," she said. "Whatever you decide, assess the part you played first."

7. Decide what moving on means to you. 

Deep down, do the words "moving on" mean salvaging your marriage or leaving the relationship and your partner behind? 

"Give yourself permission to feel what you feel, for however long you need to," Miolla said. "Ask yourself, what’s most important to me in a relationship? What do I insist on? What are my boundaries and how much were they compromised by my partner’s decision?"

8. If you decide to stay, realize that your partner needs to be willing to change. 

Remember: You and you alone can't fix your relationship. The reality is, not all relationships should or can be saved, Petruk said. 

"There needs to be a willingness of both parties to dig into the hard conversations and gain an understanding of what put the relationship at risk," she explained. "Both partners need a willingness to recommit and rebuild trust."

9. Don't stay because you fear being on your own. 

There's nothing wrong with choosing to stay and working through your issues. But demand more from your partner (for starters, demand that they stay faithful) and never stay because you're afraid of being alone or what lies ahead.  

"Choose a path forward based on what serves you...and only you," said Miolla. "Take the time to focus on yourself and what you need right now. Your best relationship should always be with yourself. And remember: there really are plenty of other fish in the sea." 

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40 Pledges, Self-Esteem and Cheesecake

While filling out paperwork the other day, I was made painfully aware of the fact that I am already ¾ of the way through my 40th year. Yikes! Leading up to 40, I had put a lot of pressure on the birthday. There were things I wanted very much to be able to say I had accomplished. Things I planned to do for myself, like my birthday celebration On Planning My Own. Then there was the one that was intended not to mark 40, but to carry me forward from there. The learnings, the insights, the promises and the ambitions. I had thought long and hard about making 40 pledges to myself -- my gift to myself and myself alone. No pressure!

I set out very intentionally. They needed to be realistic but aspirational. They needed to reflect the real me and where I am in my life. They needed to be sunshine, silver lining and a few kicks in the ass. There needed to be things I could consider daily and others that were bigger, more global and long term. My self-esteem has taken a beating over the last few years, so they needed to avoid adding to that. Then there was the question of whether or not they made it on paper. Are they kept in my mind? Written down? Said out loud? Oh my -- published?

On a daily basis I am reminded that I could be better, do better and feel better so that seemed like a good place to start, right? As the mom of two tween girls, my number one job is to make sure that my girls have self-respect. Yes, there's feeding, clothing and loving, too. I assure you though, as I look back at the best lesson I got from my own mother it was that "I was the boss of me." No one could force me to drink or do drugs, no one could coerce me into thinking that sex was no big deal or to jump off the bridge because everyone else was. Of course I struggled, like all teens. But I trusted my parents to be true to their word -- they would be there NO MATTER WHAT and I was the boss of me.

It's a lesson even as divorced parents, I know my ex and I are on the same page about. We might go about it differently, but the take away for my kids is the same. So I started there and 40 pledges later I ended.

1. I will stop beating myself up. The world will do it enough for me.


2. I will eat cheesecake, it makes me happy.


3. I will listen to hear and not to respond.


4. I will breathe before I scream. If I must scream, I will open the door to the basement and scream until I can't breathe.


5. I will kiss my children every time I say hello and goodbye.


6. I will say I love you without hesitation. By now I am a good judge of who has earned that.


7. I will mean what I say and say what I mean.


8. I will listen to my mommy and always do my best work, clean up after myself, be the boss of me and believe that I can.


9. I will listen to my daddy and smell the roses, think hard, love harder and be silly.


10. I will listen to my children as they teach me how they need to be themselves, how fast time really passes, the importance of family dinner, bedtime cuddles and that being a mom is equal parts holding on and letting go. Helicopter who?


11. I will let myself feel even when it scares the shit out of me.


12. I will be open and honest about the things that make me, me.


13. I will fight tooth and nail against injustice, even when it makes me unpopular.


14. I will be willing to be wrong and say so.


15. I will be willing to learn, to see and to absorb from those who know more or differently than I do.


16. I will eat cheesecake, it makes me happy.


17. I will be willing to give up even when I don't want to, when it becomes clear that that is the only choice.


18. I will learn from my mistakes and avoid making them again. When I screw up and make the same mistake again, I will be gentle with myself.


19. I will love with 100% of myself. It is the only way I know how.


20. I will be generous with my time, my resources and my energy.


21. I will forgive those who hurt me, wronged me and spoke ill of me. Unless it had to do with my kids and in that case, they are dead to me.


22. I will work hard.


23. I will play hard.


24. I will travel more.


25. I will give up certain dreams if it's for the greater good of my family.


26. I will be grateful.


27. I will have a lot of sex. It too makes me happy.


28. I will smile a real smile in pictures and worry less about how I look.


29. I will take care of my body.


30. I will eat better (except for cheesecake, obviously).


31. I will exercise my body and my mind and embrace activities that do both at the same time (like sex).


32. I will honor those I have lost in the last few years. Each of them took a part of me with them when they left and that is ok.


33. I will laugh. Loudly. Loud enough to embarrass my children and to fill my soul with the light only laughter can.


34. I will put myself first when I can. When I can't, I will eat cheesecake.


35. I will guard my heart less, knowing that means I'm likely to get hurt. If I don't, I will miss humans and experiences that will change my entire being.


36. I will refuse to be labeled or defined by ANYONE but me and I will teach my daughters the same.


37. I will dance. Sometimes nothing in the world feels as good (well...maybe cheesecake).


38. I will learn new things on a regular basis and make them part of my being.


39. I will read. For work, for pleasure, for my children. It doesn't matter. I simply love to read.


40. I will write. More.

Follow Jessica at Living Life Loudly

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5 Insane But True Facts About High Conflict Divorce

1. High Conflict Divorce is expensive
The cost of litigating divorce has always been high even with cheaper alternatives, such as mediation and collaborative law, on the rise. Still, litigating a high conflict divorce is expensive. According to an Associated Press article, the costs of divorce varies depending the process you use. Mediation is the least expensive option, at a typical cost of $6,600. Collaborative law costs average $19,723 while full-scale divorce litigation average, $77,746.

2. High Conflict Divorce is more susceptible to violence
It's sad but true. Family courts pit couples against each other - especially in high conflict divorce cases. There have even been documented casualties. Earlier this year in Delaware a mother of three, as well as her friend, were shot and killed inside the courthouse as they were arriving at for a child-support hearing. http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2013/02/25/delaware-courthouse-shooting-family/1945261/

In October 2011, eight people were killed when a man opened fire in the hair salon where his ex-wife worked. The two were involved in a difficult, ongoing custody battle.
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/california-hair-salon-massacre-shot-dead-ex-husband-opens-fire-salon-meritage-article-1.962742

Divorce litigation can be so stressful a family law judge in West Virginia found himself in hot water after a screaming rampage aimed at a party. The court video which begins with a 'Viewer Discretion is Advised' warning from YouTube, shows the judge screaming at the husband so loudly that the audio starts to cut out.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=APD4a347bPQ


3. High Conflict Divorce is best handled like Hostage Negotiations
Lt. Jack Cambria, a chief hostage negotiator for NYPD's elite hostage negotiation team, gave a talk entitled "Lessons on Conflict Resolution from an NYPD Hostage Negotiator," to The New York State Council on Divorce Mediation. It cited many similarities between High Conflict Divorce and Hostage Negotiation. Essentially, both need to be able to stay calm while setting an appropriate pace for negotiations. A hostage negotiator and divorce mediator need to treat people with respect (yes, this is from the hostage negotiator) and use active listening skills. Finally, the hostage negotiator, like the divorce mediator, should never give up!

4. High Conflict Divorce is better served through Mediation.
To avoid the drama and cost of divorce litigation, more people are using healthier methods to resolve high conflict divorce. With mediation, divorcing couples manage their divorce through peaceful conversation. Judges and lawyers typically don't deal with the emotional aspects of divorce. Mediators help couples navigate the divorce process and reach agreements that are less expensive, more lasting and customized. Legal and non-legal issues can be resolved in mediation. Mediators can deal with the emotional aspects of divorce to avoid heightened conflict. The goal of mediation is to procure a long- lasting, customized, peaceful and private resolution to divorce and life after divorce.

5. High Conflict Divorce is a choice.
As ½ of a divorce, you get to decide if you are going to engage in a high conflict divorce or not. If you refuse to "lawyer up" and get nasty about the divorce, you aren't likely to have a high conflict divorce. If you choose to "lawyer up" and litigate then, you are more likely to have a high conflict divorce. By choosing mediation over litigation, you model dignity and privacy in your divorce. Even in "high conflict" divorces you can be heard, respected and resolute in avoiding the cost and dehumanization of high conflict divorce litigation.

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Reba McEntire Says Divorce From Narvel Blackstock Was Not Her Idea

Country fans were shocked when Reba McEntire and husband/manager Narvel Blackstock announced they were divorcing after 26 years of marriage in 2015. Apparently, Reba was just as surprised.

"The divorce was not my idea. I didn't want it in any shape, form or fashion," the 60-year-old singer told CMT's Cody Alan in an interview this week. "So it was really hard to make the adjustment when someone's not happy. I just want everybody to be happy in their lives, because our lives are too short to be miserable." 

She added: "I just thought it was the best thing to take my marbles and go play somewhere else, is what daddy used to always say."

McEntire and Blackstock, 59, have one son together, Shelby Blackstock, a race car driver. Blackstock has three other children from a previous marriage and is the father-in-law of singer Kelly Clarkson, who reportedly tried to keep him and McEntire together. 

In December, a few months after the divorce was finalized, McEntire posted a group photo with Blackstock and told fans in the comments that the pair are "still friends."

So proud of these people. They have been with me for over 20 years. Pictured l to r, Brian Leedham 24 years, Narvel...

Posted by Reba McEntire on Thursday, December 17, 2015

In the CMT interview this week, the country legend said focusing on her faith helped her bounce back from the painful split.

"The thing that got me through this change in life, is number one, God," she told Alan. "I prayed every day to help me have the strength to move one foot in front of the other, and continue on with what I'm supposed to be doing ... and then with my team and my friends, my family, my girlfriends."

The marriage may be over, but the two-time Grammy winner said she has plenty to be grateful for in her life. 

"You know, you just got to have a great team of people around you that you love, and they love you, and I'm very blessed to have those people," she said. "I thank God for it all."

We're rooting for ya, Reba. 

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Can I Make Him Visit Our Children?

No, you cannot "make" someone visit with their children, but you can incentivize, motivate and encourage. One motivation technique or incentive we (as divorce lawyers) often employ is to craft the agreement, or court order such that if a visiting parent misses their scheduled visit, they pay the costs for the custodial parent to have a babysitter for that time period. Of course that is a negative incentive, so we prefer positive ones like perhaps offering to be flexible with the times or to do the work for them (like to plan a birthday or holiday party and let the other parent come enjoy it without having to prepare, contribute or clean up. No, it is not fair. But it may give the children a chance to see the other parent.

It is a difficult issue, because often the custodial parent is simply trying to have the other parent visit, because it is good for the kids. A therapist may help and parents, family members and friends of the visiting parent if approved very politely (and perhaps under the guidance of a psychologist or other expert) maybe be able to help facilitate the request. But the hardest part is always explaining to the kids why the other parent doesn't seem to want to visit. Kids are smart and they figure it out, so my advice is often to simply reassure the children that the other parent loves them and has to figure out his or her own way to express that love, but that eventually he or she will.

Sooner or later the children will be adults and will develop their own connection with (or isolation from) the other parent. How you handle it until then is what the kids will know and hopefully love about you. If that is your burden, do your best to put a positive spin on it. You get to see your kids much more than most separated parents, and you get to have the most input into who they become. It is actually an opportunity many separated parents wish they had. Yes it is hard work, but thank goodness your kids have you, one good parent, and that is more than many less fortunate children in this world have.

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Why I Splurged On Lingerie After My Divorce -- And You Should Too

If there's ever a time you need a little distraction in your life, it's during the divorce process. That's why we launched our Divorce Care Package series. With each post, we'll show you what things -- books, movies, recipes -- helped others relieve stress in the midst of divorce, in the hopes that a few of their picks will serve you well too. Want to share what got you through your divorce? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com. 

Following Trish Eklund's 2010 divorce from her husband of more than two decades, she treated herself to lingerie for the first time in a long time. It may seem like a small thing but Eklund say it was anything but. 

Below, the mom of two, who writes about blended family life at the website Family Fusion Community, tells us more about what helped her heal after her split.

Do you want to be more mindful about eating healthy foods that’ll keep your mind and body at their best? Sign up for our newsletter and join our Eat Well, Feel Great challenge to learn how to fuel your body in the healthiest way possible. We’ll deliver tips, challenges and advice to your inbox every day. 

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9 Types Of Couples Who Are Fated To Divorce

Like Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward or Jimmy and Rosalynn Carter, some couples are so well-matched, they almost seem fated to be together. Others are so incompatible, you have to scratch your head wondering how they even got together in the first place. 

Below, psychologists and other relationship experts share nine types of couples who simply don't have what it takes to go the distance.

1. The power-imbalanced couple.

No one wants to be the less emotionally invested partner. It's a true power imbalance, said Kristin Davin, a New York City-based psychologist, and it really doesn't bode well for your relationship in the long-term. 

"If you find that you're always the one doing the [emotional] heavy lifting, it changes your relationship dynamic," Davin told HuffPost. "People become resentful. They experience inequality in the relationship and the heavy lifter feels like the relationship is more work than it should be."

Relationships take effort, care, and intention but at the end of the day, your partnership should add to your life, not feel like part of the daily grind, she said.

2. The checklist couple.

It's smart to have a handful of qualities you're certain you want in a future partner. That said, don't forget about good old-fashioned chemistry and shared values while looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, said Virginia Gilbert, a marriage and family therapist based in Los Angeles. 

"It’s not that there’s anything wrong with marrying a tall, handsome, gluten-free, Ivy League-educated venture capitalist who just so happens to write poetry in his spare time," she said. "But if you don’t share basic values (for instance, you believe in monogamy and -- oops -- he doesn’t), you need to rip up your old checklist and write a new one with qualities that truly matter."

3. The couple that threw their checklist out the window.

On the other hand, the couple who settles for each other and disregards their deal breakers entirely isn't likely to stay married either, said Marcia Naomi Berger, a psychotherapist and the author of Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love.

"These are essentially irreconcilable differences," she told HuffPost. "That's why it's crucial to talk about needs in relationships before tying the knot. For instance, if one partner wants to have children and the other doesn’t -- and neither is willing to let go of their position -- they should not get married." 

4. The self-sabotaging couple.

She cheated on him, so he "got even" by sleeping with his co-worker. He refused to go to his boyfriend's family dinner, so now they refuse to go to each other's family gatherings at all, purely out of principle.

In a relationship, playing tit for tat is the ultimate sabotaging act, said Marina Sbrochi, the author of Stop Looking for a Husband: Find the Love of Your Life.

"This game continues, rinse and repeat, until someone finally grows up and gets the courage to leave all the arguments behind them, right there with the dead relationship."

5. The hot-and-heavy-but-not-much-else couple.

A healthy, robust sex life is a must for most people. But sex can't be all that you and your S.O. have in common, reminded Berger. It takes more than lust to make a long-term relationship last. 

"You have to date for a long while before establishing that you're truly compatible," she said. 

6. The May-December couple.

For most of us, age is more than just a number when it comes to relationships, Sbrochi said.   

"The vast majority of people shouldn’t be dating someone thirty years up or down; the stage of development is just too different," she told HuffPost. "Unless you truly are stuck in your 20s, try to date someone within your life stage. Being young may have been fun but when you become emotionally mature enough, you won’t need to relive that stage of your life vicariously through someone else." 

7. The narcissistic couple.

Not everyone you date who's slightly self-absorbed has full-blown narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). But people who truly fit the narcissistic personality type are very difficult to be in a relationship with, Berger said.

"It simply won't work if one partner is too self-absorbed to feel and express empathy for a spouse," she said. "Empathy is an essential ingredient for a lasting, fulfilling marriage. Eventually, the emotionally neglected partner will want to end the marriage."

8. The couple who refuses to talk about money.

Don't assume any money issues you have individually or as couple will get resolved once you're married, said Berger. Financial conversations may not be the sexiest, but having them early on and often is a huge deal; in fact, researchers at Kansas State University recently found that finance-related arguments are the biggest predictor of divorce. 

"Don't give more attention to planning a wedding than your marriage; that's a recipe for marriage failure," said Berger. "Talk about who will work, how you'll distribute money within marriage and how things will be different if one spouse decides to be a stay-at-home parent." 

9. The "I-hate-you-but-I-can't-live-without-you" couple.

Certain types are drawn to drama but constant fighting, breakups and reconciliations can't be the norm in any relationship, Gilbert said. It's simply unsustainable. 

"These relationships are fueled by drama -- epic fights, affairs, sex-fueled reconciliations," she said. "Usually, the two people are attention-seeking individuals and choose to overlook their fundamental incompatibility because they’re addicted to intensity." 

When the relationship finally does it end, it's usually because one partner tires of the routine and dramatically makes their exit, "much to the relief of friends and family!" Gilbert said.

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