5 Ways to Tell if You're Ready for a New Relationship

After my divorce was final, I thought I was ready to date again. I was looking forward to starting the next phase of my life--the "happily ever after" phase. I was looking forward to falling in love again.

My first few post-divorce dates were awful. I didn't know what to say, and I didn't know how to be a good listener. I thought dating would be like riding a bike, something that would instantly come back to me as soon as tried again. Except I kept falling down, and I really sucked at dating.

Then it dawned on me. I really sucked at dating because I just wasn't ready yet. So I slowed things down, and I tried to be patient. I talked to my friends (both women and men), and I asked them to give me their collective wisdom on the subject of dating and relationships.

They told me to take my time. Get to know yourself. Learn how to enjoy time with yourself. Know that love will arrive in your life at the perfect time.

When the time was right for me, I started going on dates again. This time around, I enjoyed the process. I was relaxed, and I was ready. And, yes, when the time was right, I fell in love again.

So here's what I learned about falling in love again after a breakup. Based upon both personal experience and the wisdom of others, here are the 5 signs that will let you know when you're ready to fall in love again.

1. Your heart is healed. That dull ache inside you is gone, and you don't feel like there's a gaping hole in your chest. You no longer wake up in the morning dreading the start of a new day. In fact, sometimes you even wake up with a sense of optimism and hope. The word "brokenhearted" no longer applies to you, and you know that the worst is behind you.

2. You don't hate your ex anymore. You are past the "I hope the jerk dies" phase. You're also past the "I hope the new partner dumps him/her and breaks his/her heart" phase. You remember that you used to be in love your ex. Some days you actually want the best for them. Not every day--but some days.

3. You feel comfortable about your life right now. Things aren't so bad anymore. In fact, you have a lot to be thankful for. You feel comfortable in your own skin. When you look yourself in the mirror, you like the person staring back at you. Sometimes you have really good hair days, and that makes you smile. And your sense of humor is back.

4. You believe that you deserve to be happy. Moping around the house is no longer an option. You've gotten past feeling unworthy and unlovable. Now you know how to pull yourself out of the occasional funk and get your mojo working. Everyone deserves to be happy, and every day you find moments of joy.

5. You want to fall in love again. You don't need a lover to complete you, but you want someone to share your joys and dreams. You have a lot of love to give, and you know that there is someone who will love you back. You trust in love again, and you trust love to find you.


When you feel all five of these things, you're ready for a new relationship. You've walked through the wilderness of heartbreak. You've survived the pit of despair. You have arrived in the promised land of new love.

Be open to the possibility of finding someone to love. When you find your special someone and this wonderful person loves you for who you are, embrace the new relationship. You've earned it, you are worthy of it, and you can now allow yourself to love again.


Chad Stone is the author of The Love Magnet Rules: 101 Tips for Meeting, Dating and Keeping a New Love. He blogs at www.ChadStone.us.

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5 Things You Need To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work

By Michaela Mitchell for DivorcedMoms.com

After my marriage ended, as well as my first rebound relationship, I became a magnet for men in the process of divorce who lived hundreds of miles away. I say "magnet" but I probably sought these men out and viewed them as safe.

They were unlikely to meet my children, and they were unlikely to want a long-term committed relationship. You can't get much safer than that.

But, as with many things in life, the third time is the charm even if it is a long distance relationship.

I met John through an older blog of mine when he commented on something I wrote. I was going through a devastating break-up and wasn't looking for romance. He was in the last months of a miserable (for both of them) marriage.

What began as an innocent friendship between two lonely people soon morphed into something much bigger and more meaningful. We're living proof that long distance relationships can last and become something more. If you find yourself in a long distance relationship, there are a few things you're going to need to make it work.

1. Be willing to use any method of communication.

We texted, emailed, phoned, and chatted online. We even used the comment sections of our own blogs. If there was a way to communicate with one another, we used it. I'm sure if the electricity had gone out, we would have figured out how to use smoke signals.

Our relationship was based on a willingness to talk to each other. When you can't go to the movies or grab a bite to eat together, you're left with words, thoughts, and feelings -- lots of them. Our daily routine soon revolved around when and how we would talk. Thankfully, we had plenty of tools at our disposal.

2. Be ready to talk a lot.

Once we realized we were much more than friends, our routine for speaking to one another had already been created. He called me on the way to work each morning -- 5am my time. (Since I'm not and never have been a morning person, it must have been love.) We texted and emailed throughout our day and into the evening. He called me on his lunch break -- he took a later lunch so it would match with mine. We spoke on the phone on my way home from work and again before bedtime.

If it sounds excessive, then you may never have been in a long distance relationship. There are no random moments to see each other. There's no promise of a conversation the next day. All you have is the time you can carve out in an otherwise busy day -- and a lot of talking.

3. Be honest and open.

It sounds silly, but in the beginning some of the questions looked like an elementary school interview for "The Person You Most Admire." I wanted to know what his favorite color was, what his favorite food was, what his hobbies were. Sometimes, our conversation was simply a game of 20 Questions. And yes, I asked the hard stuff like, "Are you really leaving your wife?"

In long distance relationships, you don't see each other a lot -- or as often as you'd like. You don't get to read body language or facial expressions. Neither do they. Trust takes longer to gain and it's only maintained through open and honest communication. You have to be willing to share the good and the bad.

4. Understand visits go both ways.

John made the trip to see me more often than I came to see him. I'm a mom with two children, and last I checked, leaving two kids under the age of 7 alone for a weekend was a no-no. Out of necessity, he came to visit me more often. It helped that he had several weeks of vacation time throughout the year and the flexibility to travel. But I still traveled to see him. One time, I even packed the boys into the car and drove seven hours after a long day of work for a long weekend. Seven hours in a car, two tired kids -- there was no doubt it was love.

Everything about long distance relationships is hard, but the finding the time and money to visit is often the most difficult. You're going to need to be willing to sacrifice time and money when and where you can to make this work. Maybe that means you pay for a plane ticket or pick up the meals, especially if you aren't in a position to travel. Just remember, this is something you have to do together in order for it to work.

5. Decide how far you want to take things.

Eventually, John and I realized we didn't want to continue being long distance. It was too hard, and saying good-bye after each visit became more and more painful. The idea of breaking up was never a consideration. For us, it was about who was going to move where, how we were going to do it, and when it would happen. Moving in together required sacrifices for both of us, but in the end it was all worth it.

Maybe long distance works for you. There's nothing wrong with that, but make sure it works for your partner, too. At some point, the conversation will need to happen. Keep the distance or close it. Move in together, move closer, or stay put. Sometimes life doesn't make the choice easy -- kids you don't want to leave, a good career, family that needs you. There's no one right answer when you're in a long-distance relationship.

Regardless of whether you close the gap or stay on your side of the country or globe, long distance relationships all require communication, sacrifice, and a willingness to build something together. They may seem like impossible relationships, but for those of us who make it work, it's a chance at finding lasting happiness.

More from DivorcedMoms.com
Can You Love Without Losing Yourself?
Dating And The Single Parent: How To Make It Easier
5 Critical Things I Did To Move On After My Divorce
When Dating Comes With a Crazy Ex

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Divorce Finance Without The Fear

Working in divorce finance is like peeling an onion; every agreement reveals even more sticky layers, and tears. As we peel back more and more conflicts about money, we expose something much greater underneath: a mess of value systems and hidden fears, that often play leading roles in the divorce process. As professionals, we've seen those emotions derail many settlements and family relationships, but have often felt powerless to stop it.

So how do we leverage our knowledge to guide clients through those sticky emotions that stand in the way of amicable divorce?

You guessed it. Technology is changing the way we meet our spouses, how we interact with our community, and now, how we divorce. And it's changing for the better. Through years of research and data collection, my team and I have created divorce archetypes, or behavioral patterns (and algorithms for determining them), that can help any divorce professional:

• map out a path to truly equitable settlements


• remove a lot of loneliness and fear for clients


• provide an essential snapshot of the client, relieving the pressure to catch up with an entire relationship history in a one hour session


• create a symmetry of information between client and professional

Using Money Archetypes to Reach Financial Settlements

Every relationship follows a pattern, but understanding what makes people tick isn't that simple: that pattern is driven by unique human beings, which means that no two are exactly alike. But knowing a client's archetypes can help divorce professionals customize a divorce; estimate time frame, costs, potential conflict triggers, and tools based on what each partner is going through.

Income Earners bring home the paycheck, providing essential financial capital and a sense of personal identity and fulfillment. As a shadow, many Income Earners don't have the extra energy for the emotional needs of their spouse, which leads to relationship breakdown.

Income Supporters are the family CEOs, providing the emotional capital that demands softer, more intangible strengths like nurturing and communication. As a shadow, Income Supporters may have a hard time keeping their identity alive outside of being a parent or spouse. During the divorce, they can monetize their tasks to frame spousal support around "fairness." For a long term plan, they'll need to reset income earning potential, which requires extra attention.

Money Managers are the family CFOs; they organize the household budget and finances, requiring time and strategic thinking. As a shadow, emotional spending habits may cause some to hoard, overspend, or compensate for feeling out of control.

Money Neutralizers take on non-financial family responsibilities, a divide-and-conquer approach to household tasks. But divorce lifestyle adjustments are especially hard; they'll need financial education tools, which, added to the grief of a ending a marriage, can make money an even greater hurdle.

Spenders use retail therapy to cope with stress, without worrying too much about money. They value experience and freedom over knit-picking dollars. As a shadow, Spenders may be saddled with debt and shame cycles.

Savers calculate every purchase, and take pride in their thriftiness skills. But Savers can develop a scarcity mindset, triggering stress that isn't even attached to their actual finances. With a careful balance of tensions, Spenders or Savers often attract each other to achieve balance.

Human-Touch

As a lawyer, I was trained to be a linear thinker. But in my experience as a mediator, I've learned that true conflict resolution requires more heart strengths, like empathy and patience. But both methodologies are useful, and I believe successful mediation lies in the intersection of High-Tech and High-Touch; that sweet spot where technology can remove inefficiency, but as human beings we're pushed to hone our empathy, engaged listening, and experience to guide each client with a personal touch.

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7 Classic Dating Deal Breakers You Should Be Aware Of

What exactly is a dating Deal Breaker? These are the qualities a man either has or comes with that you can't tolerate in your life. Or conversely, they are qualities a man MUST HAVE in order to date you, such as the same religion or culture.

Men also have Deal Breakers when it comes to dating you. But the difference between the sexes is men honor their Deal Breakers. You'll see this when a man is in a relationship with a woman for years and years, and yet he won't marry her.

In his mind, she has a Deal Breaker that isn't suitable for marriage.

We as women have a tendency not to honor our Deal Breakers when it comes to men. We think with a little work and a lot of love, we can change him and all will be well in our world.

This just isn't true. Men don't change unless they want to change.

You might say, "But I love him so much." If this is the case, and he has one of your Deal Breakers, you aren't honoring yourself and you will be settling.

So many women choose to settle... They're afraid no one out there is as good as this man -- a man who has one of their Deal Breakers going on in his life.

This is an illusion. Your mind is playing tricks on you. All it does is take you to a place of scarcity when it comes to men. And with our age group leading the pack with the highest divorce rate of any generation these days, there is actually an abundance of men out there for you to date.

All you have to do is go to a mainstream dating website like Match.com and you'll see thousands of men right in your area looking for a woman just like you, if you're willing to give him a chance.

Now, let's take a moment and talk about some common Deal Breakers worth thinking about.

• Pets -- If you have a beloved Levi in your life like I do, then you'll want a man who'll treasure your puppy or kitten as much as you do.



• Children -- With adult children or minors, where will you fit in the family equation? And if they are minor children, are you willing to deal with the teenage years again, especially if your kids are now adults?



• Smokers -- I once had a boyfriend who'd take himself outside in all kinds of weather for a smoke. He'd stand outside my garage door and puff away, then he'd come in and wash his face before getting near me. That was love to him.


For me, it became a major DEAL BREAKER for future relationships. Regardless of what he did, he still smelled like smoke and I can't seem to tolerate that smell.


• Religion -- Do you need a man in your life who can share your religious beliefs, going to church or temple with you on a regular basis?



• Alcohol use -- Are members of Alcohol Anonymous okay for you to date? Or do you want someone you can share a glass of wine with at the end of the day?



• Differences in sexual behavior -- Whether it's a full-blown Fifty Shades of Grey relationship you desire, or sex once a year on your birthday.



• Money issues and differences -- Do you want him to pay for everything? Or can he be financially responsible for just his share?

Take some time to clear your head and really think about the specifics of your Deal Breakers and what each one really means to you. I guarantee whatever Deal Breakers you skip over now ... will become major conflicts in your relationship at a later date.

It's better to know what your Deal Breakers are and whether a man has them before you get too far into a new relationship.

While you're thinking about it, why don't you take a few moments and write your own Deal Breaker list. As you get to know a man, refer back to this list to see if he has the qualities it takes to be with you.

Remember, if a healthy long-term relationship is what you really desire in your life, then you'll want to choose a man who doesn't have the Deal Breakers you've put on your list.

I would love to hear your thoughts on Deal Breakers...

Lisa Copeland is known as the expert on over 50's dating. She's the best-selling author of The Winning Dating Formula For Women Over 50 and her mission is to help as many women around the world as she can discover how to have fun dating and finding their Mr. Right after 50. To get your FREE Report, "5 Little Known Secrets To Find A Quality Man," visit www.findaqualityman.com.

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'My Husband Is Obsessed With Sexting, Social Media And Our Daughter's Friends'

Richard, a 47-year-old married father of two, has posted provocative photos on his social media pages, including a woman wearing a bra made out of whipped cream, a woman bent over a bicycle wearing a G-string, and a poster that reads: "The perfect wife: quiet, obedient and naked."

When Is It Time To Walk Away From A Marriage?

His wife, Tammy, and their two daughters say his posts make them sick to their stomachs.

"Over the past five years, Richard has become obsessed with social media," says Tammy. "Richard constantly is posting sexual content of other women ... it's inappropriate!" She adds, "Richard has sexual conversations with many women online. He has a tendency to friend my daughters' friends ... It makes me ill."

Why Your Relationship May Be In Trouble (And How To Fix It)

Richard, who says he has been relegated to sleeping in the basement of his own home, says, "I've always been a social butterfly ... I think it's a release. I just feel like a man again. I'm not kissing anybody. I'm not in bed with anyone."

But his grown daughters say his behavior is "embarrassing," and he has become the "creepy old man" who makes them and their friends feel uncomfortable.

Tammy says she has even discovered that Richard is in a private online group with three women, where they have explicit sexual discussions. In tears, Tammy says, "I've been asked many a time, 'Why am I still married to him?' The perfect life that I once had is ruined."

5 Questions You Need To Ask Before You Decide To Divorce

Can Richard log off of social media long enough to repair his family, or is it too late? Watch more from Tuesday's episode of Dr. Phil here. 

Need Dr. Phil's help in your life? Share your story here.



Like Dr. Phil on Facebook | Follow Dr. Phil on Twitter| Be on the Show | Ask Dr. Phil

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5 Myths About Divorce Mediation

Divorce does not have to be a battle. The only reason that tends to be the case is that most people only know of one thing they can do when they decide to divorce — hire attorneys and go to court. When you do, you are starting a lawsuit, just as if you were suing a landlord for refusing to give you back your security deposit, or a big corporation for stealing your copyright. 

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Bride's Dad Stops Wedding So Stepdad Can Walk Down The Aisle Too

When Todd Bachman's daughter got married last weekend, he wanted to make sure that her stepfather was recognized at the wedding in some way. After all, her stepdad had helped raise her.  

So when it came time to walk his daughter Brittany down the aisle, Bachman did something completely unexpected: He stopped the procession, ran to the front row and grabbed her stepdad Todd Cendrosky in order to share the honor of walking their daughter down the aisle.

The beautiful moment was captured by Ohio-based wedding photographer Delia D Blackburn, whose Facebook album of the Elyria, Ohio wedding has received more than one million "likes." 

"It was one of the most compassionate gestures toward a stepparent I've ever seen," Blackburn told The Huffington Post. "The bride was in tears and overcome with emotion." 

As the photos show, Cendrosky was as well. 

In an interview with local news station WKYC-TV, the stepdad said he was totally taken aback by Bachman's kind gesture. 

"[He] came and grabbed my hand and said: 'You worked as hard as I have. You'll help us walk our daughter down the aisle,'" Cendrosky recalled. "I got weak in the knees and lost it. Nothing better in my life, the most impactful moment in my life."

In the same interview with WKYC-TV, Bachman admitted he and Cendrosky hadn't always gotten along. But extending the honor at the wedding just made sense. 

 

"For me to thank him for all the years of helping raise our daughter wouldn't be enough," the biological dad said. "There is no better way to thank somebody than to assist me walking her down the aisle." 

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