Top 10 Reasons to Be Thankful for Your Divorce

It's that time of year again, when everyone is talking about being thankful for everything and you're just thinking, "Shut up and let me drink my Cinnamon Latte in peace." Not surprisingly, going through a divorce around the holidays can be rough. So, I'm here to spread some Thanksgiving cheer that ISN'T cliché and irritating, or so I'm telling myself. Here are your reasons to be thankful -- actually for real thankful -- for your divorce right now.

No more drama. For the first time in a long time, you'll be able to roll through the holidays with a lot less drama, on average, than your past holiday seasons have likely entailed. Time to chill out and actually get a break for once.

No compromises on Thanksgiving food. It's been years of accepting the traditional choice of turkey when everyone knows duck is more delicious, and foregoing the corn soufflé because "there's not enough oven space." No more! Make what YOU want.

No need to visit the in-laws. No more obligation to visit anyone on your spouse's side of things for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year, only the joy of doing so if you actually want to. And no need to buy them all gifts, either.

Celebrating the way you want to. Feel like spending all your free time drinking mulled wine in your pajamas from mid-November to the New Year? Watching the Home Alone trilogy back to back every weekend day? Making a version of Thanksgiving dinner every Thursday so you can have leftover turkey sandwiches until you're thoroughly sick of them (just in time for Christmas)? You can do that. And anything else you want.

Holiday shopping -- for yourself. The holiday shopping season is well upon us, and now, instead of hemming and hawing over what gift will be appropriate for a partner who probably won't appreciate it anyway, you can spend equal energy hemming and hawing over what to get for yourself. Go on, treat yourself!



Focusing on what matters. With all the mental energy you'll be saving this year by not fighting with your ex/soon-to-be-ex, you'll have space to focus on the truly good things about life, your future, yourself, your kids if you have them ... Basically, the things that the holidays are actually supposed to be about.

Focusing on pumpkin pie. Failing that, you can always bury yourself in some delicious, warm-with-ice-cream-on-toppumpkin pie. Mmmmmm.

Only dealing with your own baggage. There are going to be hard moments during the holidays, let's face it. But now you only have to deal with your own stuff -- not yours and someone else's.

No fights over whether or not to send out holiday cards. Some people like doing this, some people loathe it. Those who think couples should do it end up doing most of the work and resenting it. Those who think it doesn't matter end up frustrated. Now you can do it your way, whichever way that is; this is one holiday fight that's no more.

New beginnings. I saved the best for last. This is the thing to be most thankful for as you go through your divorce: a new start. As the year winds to a close, you are finishing one crappy chapter, and in all likelihood starting the best chapter, of your Use the time to focus on what's important, who you are, who you want to be and where you -- only you -- want to go next.

Have something to ask, or add or want to throw something at me? You can do it virtually by tweeting or posting to Facebook or leaving a comment below!

Respectfully,
James J. Sexton

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What Your Thanksgiving Dinner Says About Your Divorce

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Top 10 Love and Relationship Books

Most people who get divorced want to get into another relationship. Some dive directly into new relationships, barely pausing for breath. Others take their sweet time about it, and they wait until they feel completely ready for a new love.

The period after a breakup is the perfect time for a little post-relationship debriefing with trusted friends. It's also a great time for some self-reflection about what you're looking for in a new relationship. This self-reflection often includes reading up on love and relationships to make sure you are wiser and better equipped for relationship success.

If you want to pick up some tips for how to make your next relationship better than your last, read the books listed below. Your next lover will thank you for it.

1. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray, Ph.D.
This is the number one selling relationship book of all time. That's because it is probably the very best book ever written about male-female relationships. The author understands that women and men are very different in fundamental ways, and he does a great job of decoding both genders.

2. The 100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships by David Niven, Ph.D.
A great book doesn't have to weigh a lot and look like a textbook. This little gold nugget of a book is filled with stories about real people's relationship tips. Put this book where you will see it often, then pick it up and quickly read a short, two-page chapter.

3. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
Falling in love is relatively simple. It's staying in love that's the tricky part. Mr. Chapman has identified what he calls the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Knowing how different people show and express their love is a good first step toward understanding them--and appreciating their loving behaviors.

4. The Love Magnet Rules: 101 Tips for Meeting, Dating, and Keeping a New Love by Chad Stone
This may be shameless promotion, but The Love Magnet Rules gets you ready for love. As I always say, "It's never too late to find your soul mate," and following the tips in this book will help lead to relationship happiness.

5. Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man by Steve Harvey
Yes, Steve Harvey is a radio show and TV show host, but over the years he's learned a few things about love. He advises women to act like women--and don't give up your "cookie" too soon.

6. First Comes Love, Then Comes Money by Bethany and Scott Palmer
Most couples don't know how to talk about money. The authors describe five "money personalities" and show how these different types can interact with each other in a harmonious relationship.

7. How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships by Leil Lowndes
This book works for single people, those in a relationship, and everyone who wants to improve their communications skills. Want to learn how to make a good first impression? It's in the book. Want to know how to work a party like a politician works a room? It's here, too.

8. Getting Over Getting Mad by Judy Ford
You've been in relationships, so you know that fighting and arguments are sometimes part of the deal. But most of us don't get any advice on how to deal with anger, and this book helps you productively deal with anger and conflict.

9. The Soulmate Experience: A Practical Guide to Creating Extraordinary Relationships by Mali Apple and Joe Dunn
The ideas and techniques in this book will help you identify and clear away any obstacles that are keeping you from finding your soul mate. Then you're ready to create a relationship filled with love, inspiration, and joy.

10. Getting to "I Do": The Secret to Doing Relationships Right by Dr. Patricia Allen
Not everyone wants to get married again after they've been divorced. But if you are one of those tenacious people (like me) who are ready to get on the horse and ride off into the sunset with your new spouse, this book contains good advice.

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Chad Stone is the author of The Love Magnet Rules and Confessions of a Middle-Aged Babe Magnet. He blogs at www.chadstone.us.

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Gratitude After a Thanksgiving Divorce

What is there to be grateful for after a Thanksgiving divorce? A lot, as it turns out.

By Diana Shepherd for Divorce Magazine

I found out I was getting a divorce on Thanksgiving a few years ago.

We had just come back from a lovely family dinner at my sister-in-law's home. The Queen of family gatherings, J. had orchestrated another in a series of wonderful events with great food for the 50+ dinner guests, who ranged in age from eight months to 80 years old.

Filled with the warm glow of a delicious meal shared with a friendly and delightful group of in-laws and their families, I was totally unprepared for what came next.

After telling me that I was the love of his life, my then-husband told me that he needed to be alone at this point in his life, so he was leaving. "The moving truck is arriving tomorrow, so you should mark anything you want to keep with your name on a piece of masking tape now," he added.

So if anyone has a good reason to crawl into bed and not come out until Thanksgiving is over, it's me.

Except that this isn't what I choose to do. In life, it isn't so much what happens to you as how you respond to what happens to you that determines your recovery from setbacks and tragedies, large and small.

We have only to look to Antoine Leiris, who lost his wife, Hélène Muyal-Leiris, in the horrific attacks on Paris on November 13 to see the truth of that. "I will not give you the gift of hating you," he told the attackers, reading aloud in English on BBC News. "Responding to hatred with anger would be to give into the same ignorance that has made you what you are."

"Of course I am devastated with grief," the father of their 17-month-old son continued, "I will give you that tiny victory, but this will be a short-term grief. I know that she will join us every day and that we will find each other again in a paradise of free souls, which you will never have access to."

I am not comparing my loss to Antoine's -- I think his statement is one of the bravest things I have ever heard, and losing a spouse to divorce is nothing like losing one to terrorism. However, anyone who has gone through a divorce knows that there is a grieving period: you're grieving the death of your marriage, your hopes and dreams for what your future would look like. You can't short-circuit the process; you have to feel your pain, and then you have to release it. In fact, you have to feel and then release your pain many times before your divorce is through with you.

This year, I don't have a spouse and in-laws to celebrate holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas with me. However, what I do have is my "heart-family": friends who have stood by and supported me through some of the worst times of my life.

Recently, my dog Gracie -- who is my child in a fur coat -- got really sick and almost died. She required two major surgeries, and spent 12 days in the ER. My heart-family were there with me the whole time -- helping me not to lose hope, but ready to support me if I had to let her go. One of them helped me to bring her home, and "Team Gracie" took shifts coming over to lie on the floor with her to try to convince her to start eating again. I am grateful and thrilled to say that she has made a miraculous recovery -- due in no small part to her love for these special humans.

So this Thanksgiving, I'm grateful that Gracie was able to celebrate another birthday in October -- and I'm even more grateful for my heart-family. I chose to make a Thanksgiving dinner for Team Gracie, and I'm sure I'll be celebrating Christmas with them as well -- maybe not on December 25th, but the calendar date doesn't matter so much to me. What does matter is being able to celebrate with people I love -- which has nothing to do with whether they are related to me by blood or by marriage, and everything to do with the part they play in my life.

And for that, I am truly grateful.


Gracie on a happy pre-Thanksgiving walk down by the lake.

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8 Reasons to Be Thankful for Your Divorce

It seems like a crazy question: Are you thankful for your divorce?

Who would ever be thankful that their life was turned upside down, their dreams dashed to pieces, and their family changed forever? Why would anyone be thankful for the pain, the misery, the disruption, or the financial devastation of divorce?

Why Be Thankful for Something so Awful?

Unless you were married to someone who was abusive, or addicted to drugs or alcohol, or had a serious gambling problem, you may not feel very thankful about getting divorced. Going through a divorce is rough. Putting your life together after divorce can be challenging. In short, there just doesn't seem to be a whole lot about divorce that would make anyone thankful.

In order to understand why being thankful for your divorce makes sense, you first have to identify what "being thankful" in this situation, means.

Being thankful for your divorce does not mean that you are thankful that your marriage fell apart. It does not mean that you are thankful that you hurt children. It does not mean being thankful that you ended up in misery and pain. Nor does it mean being thankful that your life is a mess and your dreams are in shambles.

Being thankful for your divorce means looking beyond the pain and struggle of ending your marriage to find the gifts that only divorce can bring.

Are you stronger now than you were when you started? That's a gift. Have you found out that you are more resourceful than you ever imagined? That's a gift. Has your ex stepped up his or her game and become a better parent than while you were married? That's a gift. (You may not be happy about this one, but it is a gift for your children.)

In short, divorce can bring gifts. Finding those gifts, and actually being grateful for them, can be the first step in transforming your divorce from the worst thing that ever happened to you, into something that you are at peace with. Gratitude will give you perspective, and help you heal.

To help you discover the gifts in your own divorce, here are:

8 Reasons to Be Thankful For Your Divorce

1. You are now free to live life on your own terms. You can go where you want, when you want, and spend what you want. You can structure your life, your activities, and your finances your way. Yes, living alone is not always easy. It can be lonely and sad. (I know.) But, being in a dead marriage can be lonelier than being alone. So, even if you would trade "living on your own terms" for being married in a New York second, if you can shift how you are looking at your life right now, you just might find that living your way has its benefits.

2. You can create a healthier environment for your kids. Research has consistently shown that conflict hurts kids. If you and your ex were openly fighting in front of the kids while you were married, then being divorced may actually be better for them. Even if your marriage had not disintegrated into open warfare, if you were living in a bad, or lifeless, marriage, you were setting an example for your kids about what is acceptable.

3. You can parent your way. If you and your ex were constantly at odds about what to was best for your kids, parenting "solo" can be a relief. Without your ex constantly telling you that you are wrong, you will be able to parent your kids the way that you think is best. The flip-side, of course, is that your ex will be doing the same. Rather than making yourself crazy worrying about what is happening to the kids when they are at your ex's house, focus on the advantage they will have of experiencing two different parenting styles.

4. You can decorate your home your way. This may not seem like a big deal, but your environment plays a huge role in your overall well-being. For you to function at your highest level, you need a home that supports who you are. It doesn't matter whether your home is packed with junk your spouse won't let you throw out, or everything you love is locked away in storage because your spouse is a neat-freak. If your home is not a comfortable place for you to live in, you suffer.

5. Your divorce forced you to grow. This is one of those "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger," kinds of experiences. No one wants to go through the pain and struggle of divorce. But, once you do, you may find that you are stronger, braver, and more resilient than you ever imagined. Divorce gives you an insight into yourself, your life, and your kids that you could not have obtained any other way. Is divorce painful? Of course. But, just like childbirth, the pain is worth it to bring into the world someone new.

6. You can live in peace. Whether your marriage was full of angry outbursts, quiet tension, or icy bouts of "the silent treatment," it affected you. Ultimately, that stress takes a toll on you and your kids. Maybe you gained weight. Maybe your kids were acting out. Maybe you were unproductive at work, or your kids were doing poorly in school. Maybe you got sick. The bottom line is that living with stress and tension has consequences.

7. Your divorce probably made you a better parent. Even if you considered yourself to be a good parent before you got divorced, spending at least some portion of your time away from your children somehow makes you realize how precious your time with them really is. Your kids will not be kids forever. Yet, when you are in the day-to-day frenzy of parenting, it is easy to forget that. You get caught up on your phone, your computer, your T.V. Now that you only have your kids part of the time, you know the clock is ticking. That is a gift.

8. Divorce gives you a second chance. Okay. So you maybe didn't want a second chance. You wanted your first chance to work out. I get that. But it didn't. Would you rather have stayed in a marriage that was a sham? Would you rather have spent the rest of your life pretending to be happy, or do you want a chance at real happiness? Yes. Going for real happiness is harder. But, in the end, it is infinitely more satisfying that living a lie.

Being thankful for your divorce may seem crazy. Common sense tells us to be thankful for the good things in our lives, not the bad. But, if you look at your divorce with different eyes, and focus on its gifts, rather than its struggles, I'm willing to bet that you will find something to be thankful for.

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Friendsgiving: Enjoying Thanksgiving After Divorce

Here are 10 things you should be thankful for, and 10 ways to actually enjoy Thanksgiving after separation or divorce.

By Marina Edelman (LMFT) for Divorce Magazine

Divorce/separation is an end to the current nuclear family and a beginning to a new life. Family and friends can and should still be enjoyed. As Halloween candy is being put away, look forward to Thanksgiving after divorce. This family-focused holiday raises so many questions:

Who will I spend Thanksgiving with (especially important for people who live near their soon to be ex-in-laws)? Will the kids want to spend the holidays with me or their other parent? What if I'm alone?

These questions are an important part of the closure process, and will help prepare you for the inevitable changes in your life.

Consider starting a new tradition of celebrating Friendsgiving. There's something to be said for friends being the family you choose, as cliche as that sounds. Let's start with listing 10 things you should be thankful for this year:

1. Reduced travel time.



2. Avoiding prying aunts.



3. Not dealing with unhealthy family dynamics.



4. Celebrating sans drunk uncles.



5. Not having to explain why your marriage ended.



6. Opportunity to create a new tradition.



7. Trying new food.



8. Meeting new people.



9. Learning new games like the Gratitude Jar.



10. Having an opportunity to host if you so choose.

Now that you found a new positive outlook on the upcoming holiday, let's look at ways to actually enjoy it:

1. Divorce is expensive, and trying to recreate what was done in the past will keep you from moving forward. Try not to compete with your ex or yearn for what was, but instead focus on what is.



2. If you have children, remember to focus on them. Co-parenting during the holidays can be challenging. Do whatever it takes to eliminate their exposure to your emotions and maximize their holiday fun!



3. If you fear being alone, plan in advance a trip, a party, or find an opportunity to give back your community.



4. Decluttering your house is cathartic -- out with the old and in with the new! Use the extra time you have to cleanse your mind by purging, dusting, and redecorating.



5. Create new traditions by getting creative and making some of your holiday gifts. Your loved ones will be touched by your efforts, and you will keep busy.



6. Be flexible. So what if the rest of Americans are celebrating Thanksgiving on Thursday? Prioritize being with your children and not following the calendar.



7. Consider spending the day alone to focus on accepting your new life. Yoga, hikes, or sitting on the beach are all great ways to gain self-awareness and acceptance.



8. Be open to still celebrating Thanksgiving with your ex. Who says you have to be enemies? Maybe that was the one time of the year that you got along and have wonderful memories. Enjoy them!



9. Make it simple. If you are used to cooking for an army, and this year it's a small gathering (kids and you), consider ordering pizza and watching movies.



10. Get comfortable with splitting the day in half. Maybe your ex-spouse gets the kids for Thanksgiving lunch and you get to spend time with them during dinner.

Whether you are celebrating Thanksgiving or Friendsgiving, find the beauty in your new life, and let negative feelings melt away.
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