10 Essential New Year's Resolutions for Your Divorce

If you'll be newly single on New Year's Eve, take the opportunity to reinvent your life: make some powerful resolutions that will put you on the path to happiness and prosperity next year.

By Diana Shepherd for Divorce Magazine

If you're going through separation or divorce right now, coping with the holidays can be challenging. Your life is changing anyway, so why not take the opportunity to reinvent it on your terms? This is the perfect time to make some powerful New Year's Resolutions that will put you on the path to happiness and prosperity next year.

As the editorial director and co-founder of Divorce Magazine - and as someone who managed to have an amicable divorce myself - I have been writing about divorce-related issues since 1996. At that time, I often found myself writing the articles I needed to read when I met (and later married) a divorced man with three young children. I was really struck by the lack of information and guidance available to those struggling with divorce: from property division to co-parenting to remarriage to stepfamily issues. Years later, when that marriage also ended in divorce, I once again found myself writing articles that would help me - and others struggling with the many challenges of divorce - make better choices.

So drawing from both personal and professional experience, here are my top ten suggestions for New Year's Resolutions for separated or divorced individuals. Use whichever items apply to your situation, or use it to inspire you to create your own list.

1) Complete your divorce this year.
If you've been dragging your heels - either hoping for reconciliation or to cause maximum aggravation for your ex - it's time to get clear on whether you both want the same thing. If your ex confirms his/her wish to proceed with the divorce, honor it and complete whatever paperwork is outstanding so you can start your new life in the new year.

2) Stop fighting battles from your dead marriage.
Resolve not to use your lawyer or the court to try to settle your emotional issues with your ex: it's the most expensive and least effective way to handle these disputes. Ask a therapist, life coach, or wise friend for assistance in working through these issues.

3) Update your will, trusts, insurance policies, and estate plans (if any).
Revoke your will by literally tearing it up and making a new one. If your situation is relatively simple, you can make a basic will or living trust using software designed for the purpose; if your situation is more complicated, you should hire a lawyer to create these documents for you. Consider:

• naming a new executor for your will.


• updating your beneficiary designations for life insurance policies and pensions (unless your divorce agreement calls for your ex-spouse to remain the beneficiary of these).


• naming two powers of attorney: one for medical decisions and one for financial matters. You could designate one person for both roles, or choose two different people based on each individual's knowledge and experience.

4) Meet with a financial expert.
Before finalizing your divorce, get some objective advice about how to achieve your financial goals from an expert who specializes in divorce issues.

5) Don't badmouth your ex in front of your kids.
At best, you will cause a painful loyalty conflict for them. Instead, encourage your children to love and spend time with their other parent.

6) Never withhold visitation or child support to punish your ex.
Children of divorce adjust better and are happier if they have frequent, meaningful contact with both parents. Also, child support is more often paid on-time and in-full when the payor sees his or her kids frequently.

7) Be cooperative co-parents.
For instance, try to accommodate reasonable requests to alter the visitation schedule from time to time. Both parents should be welcome (and should behave themselves) at the children's milestone events, such as graduations, weddings, and the birth of grandchildren. Children shouldn't fear having their parents in the same room - it will ruin their special days.

8) Start exercising regularly to banish depression.
Exercise triggers your brain to releases endorphins and serotonin, which block feeling pain in your muscles - but more importantly, it makes you feel happy. Study after study has shown the emotional benefits of regular exercise; in 2013, University of Toronto Ph.D. candidate George Mammen published "Physical Activity and the Prevention of Depression" in the October issue of the American Journal of Preventive Medicine. His review of 25 studies concludes that moderate exercise (such as walking or gardening for 20-30 minutes every day) not only treats but can also prevent depression in people of all age groups later in life. Try to make it fun to give yourself an extra boost: plan enjoyable bike rides or hikes, learn to surf or skate, take up ballroom dancing, get a dog and walk him in parks and natural areas daily. All this can be done when the kids are with you - and especially when they aren't.

9) Forgive your ex.
Here's a best-kept secret: forgiveness is as much for the person who grants it as for the person who receives it. If you don't forgive, you will be bound to your ex forever through hatred. Forgiveness will free you; holding a grudge (not matter how justified) will shackle you. You don't have to forget - remember the lesson, but forgive and move on.

10) Forgive yourself.
It really does take two to tango, and there is something about the breakdown of your marriage for which you need to forgive yourself. If you were blindsided by the divorce, you may have to forgive yourself for ignoring the warning signs. Divorce Magazine offers some excellent information about forgiveness; just enter "forgive" in the search bar and you'll find dozens of helpful articles at your fingertips.

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You Still Love Her, You Still Love You?

I was driving around and a Gwen Stefani song came on the radio. I'm not a big fan of Gwen Stefani and I usually don't have this station on unless my daughter is in the car.

The song came on and it said, "remember we used to love each other." The song is called "Used To Love You."

So I listen to what the universe delivers and it was actually the second time in two hours that same message came across to me. The first time was from my ex.

No matter where you are in your life right now, if you're in the position of sharing a child with somebody, or children, or a business, or real estate holdings, or whatever it might be that still ties you to an ex, I think some of the best advice that was given today: Remember you used to love each other.

Remember you used to love each other, which means that you need to go back and remember. When you actually loved each other, how you actually listened to each other.

It wasn't all about you.

That's the problem, when a relationship fizzles. And you have that dynamic that has to continue because you've got kids or property or a business together. Every conversation is just about you.

It's about you getting your point across. It's always about how you feel and what you want. If you think about it, that's probably the reason why the relationship didn't work out in the first place. Neither one of you was really good at giving the other person what they wanted and needed in the relationship.

In the beginning I'm sure everything was great, because it usually is.

Two people meet, their representatives show up. They fall in love.

Then they realize they may not have the tools to work through the issues. Or they may be so different that it may not even be worth it. Because deep down, just because they used to love each other doesn't mean they still love each other.

There's another piece of advice an ex gave me.

Imagine being on a desert island with me alone. Would that be something you would want? That's a great question.

Imagine being alone with the person you've been battling with for so many years and all you have left to talk about are the children or the business or the real estate you own. Would you really be able to fall in love all over again if you took all that stuff out?

Most likely no.

The relationship has failed and a lot of times we're forced to stay in a dynamic with somebody who's not very healthy because we don't remember we used to love them.

So when your ex comes to you and tells you they have issues that need to be addressed, dynamics that need to change between the two of you, things that might be going on, you need to listen to them like you used to love them.

Instead of getting all defensive like you usually do. When you used to love someone you didn't get defensive, you actually listened to them with an open heart. When you've been battling somebody for so long you get personal and defensive. Every word can trigger something else reactive.

So instead of getting triggered, you need to think and say, remember we used to love each other. Which means you'll have to listen. Which means if the other person is not comfortable with the dynamic, is not comfortable with the way things are, it needs to change.

If they're stressed out and you're the cause of the stress, or if it's because of the dynamic the two of you have, it's time to end it. It's time to go back and look at that them as a wonderful person again.

Think to yourself, you know what, romantically it did not work, but I used to love them.

The frustrations need to be thrown out. The triggers need to stop triggering. We need to move forward.

If you're in a business dealing with your ex, both parties need to be fully responsible for the business. It needs to be treated as just that, a business. If one person is not doing the job, or not earning the money they're getting, and that dynamic doesn't work, the two of you need to look at things as friends.

The hardest thing in the world when dealing with children is when you're forced to co-parent with an ex.

It becomes a constant battle. But it doesn't have to be. You can find a way to make it work.

It's funny because I've always hired friends in my business, and that dynamic doesn't work often. I've either become friends with my employees or I've been friends with them before, and when I vent or raise issues, they get emotionally bent out of shape.

They get hurt because we're friends. In reality I'd rather not be friends with the people I work with. But, I also like working with friends because I feel like they care a lot more.

My rationale may not be right.

The most stressful part of any divorce, is when you have children together. Each of you would lay down and die for your kids, there's nothing you wouldn't do. And your ex can appear as the enemy.

But you have to find a way to put the kids best interest first. The problem is divorce is often contentious and difficult, to say the least.

Try to remember, you used to love that person. So go back to when you used to love them and really listen to them. Stop torturing each other.

A client sent me an email the other day about her and her ex still torturing one another. They're still using the kids as manipulation tools. He's bad mouthing her to the kids. All he's doing is alienating his teenaged daughters.

You used to love somebody. It didn't work out. Let it go. Go get therapy. Go get help. Admit you were wrong. Admit the relationship failed and you were equally responsible for it failing.

It takes two to fall in love. It takes two to have failure.

Once you admit that, you can let stuff go. And whatever else you have left between you, whether it's work, or real estate, or kids or whatever it might be, it will be far more pleasurable.

When you're constantly battling an ex, energetically there's no chance in hell you're going to be able to meet somebody else. If you do, most of the time you'll end up talking about how you feel about the ex and how they're driving you nuts, and the new person won't stand for it.

Even if you're not always talking about your ex, the new person will feel it. They will feel that you're not there.

I think that's the most important thing, when two divorced people meet each other, you need to make sure that both of you have a clean, healthy defined relationship with your ex. It needs to be defined in every which way. Defined monetarily, emotionally, with the kids.

That's the reason why people go to moderators when they get divorced. The moderator sits down and does a complete definition of what that relationship is going to be, because most of the time, couples can't do that. If they could, they would have stayed together.

They would have stayed together and they would have made it work. The dynamic that broke them apart is continuing because they have not found a way to compromise. They haven't found a way to really see the other person, like they did in the beginning of the relationship.

That's why the advice of remember you used to love somebody, is so profound and beautiful. And really pretty simple if you think about it.

If you can't work things out together, I strongly suggest you have written agreements. Unfortunately that's what life gets to. That's why so many people spend time in court after they get divorced, and battle, and waste all of that time and energy and money.

They could just go and sit down with each other and say, this is what I'm willing to do and this is what I'm not willing to do. It's a compromise. Unfortunately most people who split up cannot compromise with each other.

That's the reason they split up. That's the reason there are laws in place, custody laws, visitation laws.

It gets that way in life. There's a reason why we get that way. Let's just remember while you're sitting there battling the same person you've been battling for so many years.

Remember that you used to love them.

Also keep in mind that they are a person. A lot of your actions are causing them grief just as they're causing you grief.

It's time to stop causing each other grief and it's time to look at the other person and say, you're right, I used to love you and I'm going to start respecting you like I did when we first started together.

So these are probably the best words of wisdom that Gwen Stephani and I can give you.

Remember, I used to love you.

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The 25 Best and Worst Sex Moments From 2015

Alexandra Katehakis and Center for Healthy Sex (CHS) have released their Annual Best/Worst Sex List for 2015.

It's been a wild year for sex! It seems like sexuality is the one field with even more of an ideological divide than politics. This year there is greater tolerance than ever to the many sexuality identifications and definitions, thanks to sex therapists and activists who collectively demand greater agency, access and protections. At the same time, there are many movements that promote failing programs like abstinence-only sex education and invisible walls of discrimination to keep erotic minorities closeted.

With all this in mind, here for the 2015 year is our annual list of the 10 Best & 10 Worst Sex Stories, as well as 5 additional stories that defy category.

THE BEST

Best 1: Supreme Court Legalizes Marriage Equality

The Supreme Court ruled in favor of marriage equality! Still there were some opponents who cried foul, demanding a religious exception to exercise their right to prejudice in public businesses which will play out in courts to come. Why this matters: Extending legal equality to all healthy expressions of sexuality, including homosexuality, bisexuality and pansexuality, is the right thing to do and makes healthy sexuality more attainable for all.

Best 2: Caitlyn Jenner Comes Out as Transgender
Caitlyn Jenner became the most visible and widely celebrated celebrity to self-identify as transgender. Her numerous awards, including Glamour magazine's Woman of the Year, caused controversy. Despite missteps, she continues to champion the cause of greater trans acceptance. Why this matters: The ongoing conversation helps everyone to question their assigned gender roles and identity, and results in a better understanding of trans issues.

Best 3: First Openly Bisexual Governor Elected

This year, the state of Oregon elected an openly bisexual woman, Kate Brown, as governor-the first elected LGBT governor in the nation. Why this matters: As LGBT are elected to higher office, it's significant that bisexuals have equal prominence. Statistics show bisexuals make up the largest subset of LGBT, yet receive by far the lowest funding. They live in greater poverty than LG with higher rates of suicide. When bisexuals come out, it helps to combat biphobia.

Best 4: Penis Transplant Conceives for the First Time
This past March, the recipient of the world's first successful penis transplant performed last December in South Africa announced he'd impregnated his girlfriend a mere five weeks after the procedure. Why this matters: Crudely-performed circumcisions in South Africa alone leave roughly 250 men each year with non-functioning sexual organs. Penis transplantation improves the quality of life of patients and will surely lead to even more advanced operations in the future.

Best 5: Congress Creates Transgender Task Force

The Congressional LGBT Equality Caucus launched the Task Force on Transgender Equality in November. This announcement introduced Congress' first forum on issues of violence against the transgender community. Why this matters: This task force is an effective and unprecedented tool in the development of legislation to help combat issues that disproportionately impact the transgender community, including violence, unemployment and homelessness.

Best 6: UN Recommends Intersex Infant Surgery Ban
The United Nations Human Rights Commissioner issued a June report to prohibit medically unnecessary procedures on intersex children. Also in 2015, the first intersex lawsuit was filed against the U.S. Department of State for refusing to issue a passport without male or female identification. Why this matters: According to the Intersex Society of North America, about 1 in 2,000 children are born intersex. Gender is not binary, it's a spectrum and should never be forced.

Best 7: Abstinence-Only Fails Sex Ed Requirements

In an historic ACLU victory, a judge ruled for the first time that abstinence-only education goes against a state law mandating comprehensive sexual education. The ruling goes into effect for California schools in 2016. Why this matters: "Access to medically and socially appropriate sexual education is an important public right," wrote Judge Black and we couldn't agree more. California is one of only 13 states that mandate medically accurate sex education.

Best 8: Smartphone Invention Tests for STDs
In February, researchers announced the development of a $34 device that plugs into a phone's headphone jack and returns lab-quality HIV and syphilis test results in 15 minutes. Technicians project this invention will become available in a few years. Why this matters: This device will provide fast and affordable testing without the need for large, costly machines. It will particularly be a boon to prevent the spread of STDs in remote rural locations around the world.

Best 9: Women Vote and Win Elections in Saudi Arabia

By royal decree, women were allowed to vote for the first time in Saudi Arabia, the last country forbidding this right! Women were also allowed to run for local office, and 900 women ran against nearly 6000 men for 2100 council seats. Unexpectedly, 21 women won seats in diverse locales. Why this matters: Women still cannot drive and have scant power in this repressive regime. This election is more than a symbolic gesture, it's the first crucial step toward representation.

Best 10: Students Wield Dildos to Protest Gun Violence
Calling themselves #CocksNotGlocks, female college students in Texas brandished dildos, forbidden on campus, to protest the school's new open carry policy allowing guns. Why this matters: The protest nails the absurd ultra-machismo that goes with America's gun obsession. Are gun nuts overcompensating? The sad fact is that gun violence disproportionately affects women, such as when domestic abusers own guns, women are at 500% greater risk for homicide.

* * *

THE WORST

Worst 1: Anti-Choice Group Falsifies Fetal Tissue Videos

A series of discredited undercover videos depicting Planned Parenthood staff discussing fetal tissue financial info caused a colossal storm, with anti-abortion activists and even presidential candidates deliberately spreading misinformation. Why this matters: Though resulting investigations turned up no sign of wrongdoing, the outfall has caused irreparable harm with several states using the false videos to finally defund the sexual health organization.

Worst 2: Ashley Madison Hack Releases Users' Identities
The hook-up site for married people seeking an affair had personal data of 33 million members released to the public by hackers. The result included breakups, blackmail and reported suicides. Why this matters: Society romanticizes having an affair, but those driven to cheat are often not happy people, typically with inadequate tools for authentic communication. Having lies exposed can be a cathartic event leading to marital reevaluation or a bad trip on a downward fall.

Worst 3: Dennis Hastert Pleads Guilty in Sex Crime Cover-Up

In October, Dennis Hastert, Speaker of the House from 1999-2007, pled guilty to evading financial reporting requirements in order to hide agreed-upon payments of $3.5 million to silence past gay sex abuse allegations as a high school wrestling coach. Why this matters: Dark deeds indeed from a past 'moral majority' aka 'family values' leader. Hastert's predecessors resigned due to extra-marital affairs--all three Speakers had tried to impeach President Clinton with mock outrage.

Worst 4: Jared Fogle Jailed for Child Pornography
Jared Fogle, TV spokesperson for Subway, was arrested in July for possessing child porn and having sex with minors. His plea deal included restitution of $100,000 each to 14 victims. He received a 15-year jail sentence in November. Why this matters: The sexual abuse of children is one of the most reviled acts. Psychotherapy treatments are available but anyone who experiences sexual attraction for a child will have to face either the stigma of admission... or prison.

Worst 5: Shooter Attacks Colorado Planned Parenthood

Calling himself a "warrior for babies," Robert Dear opened fire on a Colorado Planned Parenthood killing a cop and two civilians. Mentally unstable, his murderous rampage was motivated in part by the fetal tissue videos. Why this matters: In a year marked by rising gun violence, rising anti-abortion rhetoric fuels one more deadly attack. Next year, the Supreme Court rules on the legality of state abortion restrictions. At all levels--the right to legal abortion is under fire!

Worst 6: Josh Duggar Admits Molestations, Infidelity
When past sexual misconduct as a minor became public, Josh Duggar lost his reality series and his job with Family Research Council, the lobbying group against LGBT rights, divorce and porn. His attempts at rebranding failed when the Ashley Madison hack brought about further confessions of extra-marital affairs and porn addiction. Why this matters: To condemn healthy sexuality as scandalous seems a clear pathway to unhealthy sex scandals.

Worst 7: Lamar Odom Found Unconscious in Brothel Binge

In October, basketball star Lamar Odom lapsed into a coma at the Love Ranch, a Nevada brothel where he allegedly spent $75,000 in four days, during which he took up to ten herbal Viagra pills with cocaine. He remains hospitalized after several strokes. Why this matters: Party drugs and sex are a lethal combo, particularly when overdosing on dodgy sexual enhancement pills. There's a lot to lose, nothing to gain, when your partying starts looking like your pain.

Worst 8: Oklahoma Cop Convicted of Serial Rape
An all-white jury found a white cop, Daniel Holtzclaw, guilty of raping up to thirteen impoverished, black women, included an underage girl and a grandmother, who were likely targeted due to their perceived lack of legal access. Why this matters: Holtzclaw is not the first predatory cop, but in a year where Black Lives Matter was formed to protest the pattern of unpunished police violence against African-Americans, this verdict was an important, albeit too rare, reckoning.

Worst 9: Trump Trolls Primary with Sexist Remarks

When Megyn Kelly asked Donald Trump during a presidential debate whether calling women "fat pigs, dogs, slobs, and disgusting animals" was behavior befitting a president, he later insinuated she was on her period. In December, he said Hillary Clinton got "schlonged" i.e. raped in the 2008 election. Why this matters: Stigmatizing women for menstruation or as sex victims is an ages-old attack. Politicians' words matter, to say nothing of their policies. Sexism begets sexism.

Worst 10: Homeland Security Raids Rentboy
In late August, Federal Agents raided the offices of Rentboy.com, a male escort website operating unchallenged for the past 18 years. Assets have been seized, the website shuttered and employees have been charged with promoting prostitution. Why this matters: It's been speculated that after the Ashley Madison leak, closeted power players feared being outed by a similar hack and that they had a secret hand in the raid. Similar escort websites are virtually ignored.

* * *

THE REST

The Rest 1: FDA Approves 'Viagra for Women'

Bucking charges of gender bias, the FDA approved for the first time a pill for the treatment of low sexual desire in women. After much August fanfare, the pink pill known as flibanserin (Addyi) all but flopped due to required daily doses at a price tag of $840 per month with dubious results. Why this matters: Focusing on women's sexual pleasure is significant, but many oppose a strictly pharmaceutical solution to the complex nature of female sexual arousal.

The Rest 2: Charlie Sheen Discloses HIV Status
In November, Charlie Sheen revealed his HIV positive status after paying extortionists upwards of $10 million for years to keep the info secret. Sheen made our 2011 Worst Sex List for his public meltdown glorifying drugs and sexual abandon. Why this matters: HIV shaming is despicable, and every HIV+ person deserves our empathy. In therapy, we might hold multiple considerations as a means to personal growth. But in society, there must only be empathy.

The Rest 3: Playboy Magazine Retires Nudity

Is this the death of the centerfold? The once renowned men's magazine Playboy announced they will no longer publish images of totally nude women due to the proliferation of porn on the Internet. Many fans have insisted they read it for the articles, now we'll see. Why this matters: Softcore porn has gone mainstream and hardcore has taken its place online for free for every adult and adolescent. Why bother with a relic like a nudie mag? It's the end of an era.

The Rest 4: Masturbation Technology Generates Electricity
PornHub asked volunteers to 'beata-test' the Wankband--a device that straps onto your arm and generates enough electricity during masturbation to charge your gadgets via USB. There were also kosher vibrators at Better2gether, and a dildo for the departed named 21 Grams--and what better place to preserve your loved one's ashes than a sex toy so you can always feel close? Why this matters: Really, it's just fun. And ultimately having fun really matters.

The Rest 5: Pope Sets Limited Forgiveness for Abortions

As part of the Extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy, Pope Francis decreed priests will have discretion only in 2016 to forgive penitent women for past abortions without having to petition the chief confessor. Why this matters: The Catholic Church still forbids crucial sexual health tools like contraception and abortion, and such dogma creates tremendous pressure on believers. There's hope that Pope Francis' plea for mercy will someday empower women to attend to their own sexual health.

-- This feed and its contents are the property of The Huffington Post, and use is subject to our terms. It may be used for personal consumption, but may not be distributed on a website.

10 Things You Can Do to Create the Life You Want After Any Loss

Loss of any type, rather it be a divorce, a job termination, the end of a friendship that you held dear, or the death of a love one can send you reeling into unchartered territory. For some it means the loss of an identity. You may have found pride in calling yourself a CEO, a partner, a wife and now that this title is removed you don't know what to do. For others, loss leaves you emotionally gutted with no sense of direction.

I was 33 in 2007 my husband died from advanced adrenal cancer. I spent over three years interviewing widows about their circumstances for my book A Widow's Guide to Healing, and often the conversation would shift to a widow telling me that she wants to start a new life for herself and her family but isn't sure where to start.

This widow isn't alone in not knowing how to begin a new life post-loss. A few months ago, I was at a dinner party and someone asked about my book, and as she began to tell me about her move, new job and starting over, I thought she was a widow. Actually, she had divorced her husband of 20-plus years and felt the loss was similar to a death.

Loss is very painful, and even thinking about it can cause a knot in your stomach, and you immediately feel a lump in your throat. And yet you do desire to shift your energy, mind and heart toward a different direction. In other words, what can you do to begin to create life that you want after your devastating loss?

Here are 10 things you can do, and these items are no particular order of importance. What is key is that you begin somewhere, and these items are here to help you create a new path for yourself. Some of these things may not work for you, while other items you may find to be a better fit.

1. Set a goal. The reason goal setting is important is because your self esteem took a major hit when your loss occurred. At some level, you thought you were able to control things and then you found you couldn't. Setting a goal and being able to achieve it will help you see that you still have control over some things and reaching the goal will bring back some confidence.

This goal does not have to be work-related. The goal should be small enough that it can be attainable within a reasonable amount of time. For example, if you goal is to exercise more and you have never gotten off the coach, setting a reasonable goal would be to exercise two to three times a week, not running a marathon within four weeks. Do not set yourself up for failure.

2. Seek a mentor. Look for someone that is doing what you desire to have for yourself. It would be ideal if you could actually talk with this person, but if you can't for some reason carefully study what they have done to be at the level you strive to obtain. For example, if you want to be a yoga teacher, then read the biographies, articles about yoga teachers you admire. You will see what lifestyle habits they adapt and begin to follow their lead. They didn't reach overnight success by taking one teacher training class. Their lifestyle incorporates multiple things which brought them to a certain level.

3. Become very clear about what you desire. Many times in a time of crisis, which is what loss is, you can feel that you need immediate relief and this can bring about impulsive behavior. If you want stability, then a decision made on a whim may not bring the consequence that you seek because you are not thinking everything out. If you seek trust, you can't get this from others if you do not trust yourself. Finding clarity can after a loss often takes time because the water is very muddy after the upheaval created by the loss. Don't expect to know exactly what you want within days or even weeks of your loss.

4. Observe your thoughts. Begin to monitor this. Don't judge your thoughts, just observe. Do you find yourself perseverating on the loss? Do you find yourself talking about some aspect of the loss in many of your conversations? Are you engaging in critical self talk? Our thoughts influence our actions. And many times, we are unaware of what we are thinking until we begin to observe our thoughts. You may be in the habit of negative self talk, and you don't even realize that you engage this behavior several times a day. You can't change something that you are not aware of, so getting an accurate picture of your thoughts is important.

5. Stop one thing. This may sound very remedial, but it can change things for you. Pick one behavior that you find yourself doing which is causing havoc and eliminate it. This can be very small. For example, a widow I talked with said that after her husband died, she would eat fast food every time she dropped her daughter off at gymnastics classes. Her daughter was going twice a week and this meant that this widow was eating fast food twice a week. This meal choice was reeking havoc on her blood sugar levels, which was impacting her mood and in turn she found herself being short with her daughter. This didn't mean that this widow never ate fast food, but making this one change helped on multiple levels.

Ending one behavior will allow space for something new. It will also show you that you do have control over something.

6. Engage in new conversations. Engaging in conversations that you haven't had before doesn't always mean that you are seeking out a complete shift in your life. If you have always loved modern art but have no intention of becoming an artist, then start going to modern art exhibits. Just being around artists and this environment will bring something positive to your day.

Also be mindful that certain friends are not healthy. Having continuous conversations with a negative tone is not going to spark a new flame. This doesn't mean that all of your friends are not healthy for you. What I am trying to be clear about is that some conversations are not a good fit for you post loss.

If you are thinking about a new career, then start to enter those conversations as well. For example, if you want to become a physical therapist, then begin to talk with other physical therapists. They will naturally bring up certain topics that are relevant to their profession that you may be unaware of if you had not spoken with them.

7. Practice gratitude. Now this may sound like a snarky platitude that is overused, but often in our sorrow we find it difficult to find things that are good. Part of creating a new path means changing the way we see the world, and when we view things through the lens of gratitude, our world is richer. It is difficult to bring about something new when you are not able to see that which is already present in your life.

8. Be open to all that is unknown. With any loss comes enormous fear and this fear can cause restriction in our thoughts and behavior. Some people literally shut down and refuse to listen to anyone. Others are not ready to listen to different opinions or views. When you live with a restricted view, it is like breathing with one lung, you are unable to expand your breath properly.

At some point opening yourself up is necessary to creating a new path. This doesn't mean that you quit your job and are now unable to provide for your family because you are practicing being open. What I am referring to is that once you allow yourself to be open without seeking an immediate answer. By being open, you will be able to see things in a different light.

9. Accept the unresolved. This is very painful because the loss created an amputation and you may never know why it happened. This item is not for the faint of heart and takes tremendous courage. So, I am providing this suggestion because if you are continuously seeking resolution to your loss you may find yourself deeply disappointed. Some losses will never bring answers. They do not present themselves with a reason. Seeking a reason for your loss can lead to countless tears and more loss.

10. Ask yourself this deep question. If you can only do one thing on this list, then this is one you may want to seriously consider. With every decision and conversation you find yourself in post-loss, ask yourself this: "Is this going to expand my growth or restrict it?"


Growth post-loss is very possible, if you properly nurture it. I will write more about this is in a forthcoming piece. The bottom line is that new growth comes with fertile environment, and making healthy choices post-loss promotes this.

Kristin Meekhof is the author of A Widow's Guide to Healing: Gentle Support and Advice For The First Five Years. She is a speaker, writer, licensed masters level social worker and member of the University of Michigan Cancer Center Board in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

This post is part of Common Grief, a Healthy Living editorial initiative. Grief is an inevitable part of life, but that doesn't make navigating it any easier. The deep sorrow that accompanies the death of a loved one, the end of a marriage or even moving far away from home, is real. But while grief is universal, we all grieve differently. So we started Common Grief to help learn from each other. Let's talk about living with loss. If you have a story you'd like to share, email us at strongertogether@huffingtonpost.com.

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The Sweet, Reassuring Thing My Daughter Told Me After Divorce

If there's ever a time you need a little distraction in your life, it's during the divorce process. That's why we launched our Divorce Care Package series. With each post, we'll show you what things -- books, movies, recipes -- helped others relieve stress in the midst of divorce, in the hopes that a few of their picks will serve you well too. Want to share what got you through your divorce? Email us at divorce@huffingtonpost.com. 

A year ago, writer Kerry Neville and her husband divorced after 16 years of marriage. Neville, who blogs about post-split life and parenting with bipolar disorder at Momma May Be Mad, admits she's still reeling from the big life change. When she needs reassurance that life will get better, she remembers the sweet, offhand remark her 13-year-old daughter made during a long car ride shortly after the divorce.

Below, Neville shares what her daughter told her -- and tells us what other things have helped her heal this last year.

 

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