Ladies: Three Red Flags the Relationship Is Doomed (and Why You Should Run!)

Over the years as a divorce attorney I've seen hundreds of relationships falling to pieces in a variety of creative ways. Time and again people come up with new ways to screw up their marriages. But too often my clients knew they shouldn't have gotten married in the first place! Rather than walk down the aisle, they should have run the other direction. Here are three serious red flags that you shouldn't stay in the relationship (or heed my warning: your story will end the same way!)

1. He doesn't see his child.
He's got a thousand reasons why he won't spend time with his kid: his ex "poisoned" the child's mind against him; the court would only give him "bogus" time when he has to work instead; the kid prioritizes cheerleading or any other activity over her dad. I'm calling his bluff: active dads will fight to the bitter end to spend time with their kids. They are every bit as Momma Bear as, well, a momma bear when it comes to being a good parent. You may not believe good dads are out there but I know them and they are real! Good dads will not buckle under the pressure and work that having a child requires. He will change diapers, do midnight feedings and dishes, take her to the doctor, fold her baby clothing and fiercely protect her when needed. If your guy has accepted that he just won't see his child, ask yourself how much he'll prioritize a child he has with you. And then run, don't walk, the other way.

2. He's hiding assets from his ex-wife.
Just because he's divorced isn't a strike against him. But the danger zone: He hid money during the divorce to keep it out of his ex-wife's hands -- girl, you better run! He blames his behavior on his ex-wife of course, because she was so terrible and "money grubbing," he had to funnel money to family members. He just had to put assets in his sister's name and make withdrawals from accounts so as to move cash to another bank or another country. Really. Whether he confided in you that he hid the marital money, or worse, you met him during the divorce and watched him hiding his money, the odds are strong that he'll do the same in your own divorce! Not running yet? Consider that the odds are high you will be getting a divorce: Statistically he's at an increased risk for a second divorce (65 percent or more of second marriages fail), AND he prioritizes money over honesty and people, AND he does not take responsibility for his actions. Get out your running shoes!

3. You were the one he cheated with.
The logic follows that if you were the one he cheated with, later you'll be the one he cheats on. Once a cheater, always a cheater? Maybe not. But I have to tell you that I've had more cases of women who told me they "should have known" he would cheat on them, because they were the affairs that broke up his first marriage! They never seem that surprised when they discover he's been cheating. "The signs were there," said one client, I'll call her Sasha. "The late nights at the office and sudden trips canceled or re-routed. Unexplained expenses including cheap jewelry. This is what he did with me to end his first marriage!" At the time, Sasha said her affair seemed wildly romantic so she didn't listen to that nagging feeling -- it seemed like fate but he was just married to the wrong person. Or maybe he just has huge commitment and honesty problems! Lesson 1: Listen to your gut. Lesson 2: Karma is a b*tch ladies, so watch your back (or better yet, run from this one).

Did you know the relationship was doomed from the start? Discuss in the comments.

Blog originally found on The Divorce Artist.

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8 New Year’s Resolutions For When You're Single And Not Dating

We have finally reached that time of year when many people decide to makeNew Year’s resolutions. With one year behind us and a brand new one to conquer, resolving to make the most of the upcoming year and somehow make ourselves better, is a natural instinct to have. It’s like you have a clean slate, so you might as well give yourself the goal of keeping that slate as clean as possible, before mucking it all up.

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9 Pieces Of Relationship Advice You Really Should Ignore

Think you should always tell your partner exactly how you're feeling? Or that you're selling yourself short if you don't marry your soulmate? Don't be so quick to subscribe to either piece of advice, relationship experts say.

Below, marriage therapists and other experts take to task these and other beliefs about love that should be taken with a grain of salt. 

"Face it: Couples have fights. Sometimes those fights happen in the morning, when there's plenty of time before bed to work things out. Sometimes they happen at night, when you're already tired -- a state that may well have contributed to you being snappish or unreasonable in the first place. Why in the world would it seem wise to stay up and fight? It's OK -- better, even -- to put your conflict on hold and catch some Zs. Your feelings on the issue are likely to have lightened up overnight. If not, by morning, you'll be clear-headed enough to address your differences effectively." -- Winifred M. Reilly, marriage and family therapist and the author of the relationship advice blog Speaking of Marriage

"This is only true if both couples are equally invested in saving the marriage. I work with a lot of post-divorce clients who tried counseling as a last-ditch effort to save their marriage and so often, it’s too little, too late. It turns out that one spouse drags the other one there when he or she has already emotionally and mentally checked out of the relationship." -- Deb Besinger, life and relationship coach based in Raleigh, North Carolina

"The one that bugs me the most is 'share your feelings.' The problem is, too often people share their feelings as a form of blame, saying things like, 'I’m angry with you' or 'I’m hurt by what you said.' Then when the other person gets defensive, they say, 'I’m just sharing my feelings' or 'I have a right to my feelings.' If your intent is to learn rather than blame, you would say, 'I’m angry with you and I'd like to talk about it and understand what’s happening between us' or 'I’m hurt by what you said and I’d like to understand why you said it.' You're far less likely to receive a defensive response and far more likely to resolve conflict when your intent is to learn rather than to attack and blame." --  Margaret Paul, psychotherapist and co-author of Do I Have to Give Up Me To Be Loved by You? 

"It gets under my skin when people say married people don't have sex. I know tons of married people that don't ever have sex and of course, tons that do. Don't believe this advice. Many couples say it's something they do before they go to bed every night, just like brushing their teeth." -- Carly Spindel, dating and relationship expert based in New York City 

"To me, one of the most irksome pieces of relationship advice is that there’s a 'soulmate' out there for each of us. You know, the ideal partner we perfectly connect with and who instantly completes us. That simply doesn’t exist. A great relationship isn’t an effortless thing. Rather, it’s something that’s built over time. It takes work. When we experience disconnected moments in our relationships, this idea can leave us in deep discontentment, wondering if maybe we married the wrong person and perhaps our soulmate is still out there. The thing is, in marriage, your mate has become your soulmate -- imperfections, disconnected moments, and all. Period. End of story." -- Ashleigh Slater, relationship columnist and author of Team Us: Marriage Together

"One annoyance I have around treating couples is the idea that verbal and direct communication solves everything. This often works for women but it is not in favor of most men. Some men process information slower and short circuit when verbally barraged. It's wise for women to step back, give him time to process and then let him start a verbal dialogue. With men, patience is wisdom and realizing that can help women get the resolution and understanding they want." -- Sherrie Campbell, psychologist based in Southern California 

"The truth is, some people experience more anxiety in the beginning of a new relationship or in the dating process than others. It's natural to want reassurance, connection and attention from a partner and it doesn't necessarily mean that you are insecure, afraid of being alone or unhealthy if you seek that. Knowing you have this tendency can help you find a partner who can provide reassurance and calm the brain into a less anxious state." -- Chelli Pumphrey, therapist and dating coach based in Denver, Colorado

"Often when I'm working with a couple in a stagnant relationship, I ask, 'When did you stop trying to change your husband or wife?' This question is almost always greeted with a huge protest, 'I would never try to change him or her' or 'You can’t change anyone else' -- to which I reply, 'Nonsense!' or some variation thereof. I challenge the idea that we can’t or shouldn’t change our partner. In fact, we always change our partners, with or without realizing it. This 'change' process involves not their personality or character, which is pretty much established by adulthood. Instead, partners help guide each other into particular relationship patterns, a nearly invisible process intrinsic to the intimate duet. We all know people -- maybe ourselves -- who say, referring to a past relationship, 'I don’t like the person I became with him or her.' That’s RP -- relationship physics -- in action. In fact, most of us have more power in relationships than we realize." -- Amy Begel, marriage and family therapist based in  New York City

"While I do believe that everything happens for a reason, it doesn't help someone who just found out his or her spouse cheated, or whose spouse just brought up divorce. While there are countless things in life we can't control, and while there is a larger plan that we usually know nothing about, no one should forget that we have so much control over our happiness and how we choose to live our lives." -- Jackie Pilossoph, relationship columnist and author of Divorced Girl Smiling 

 

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How to Keep Your Job While Going Through a Divorce

"They're going to fire meeeeeee," my friend Mindy sobbed into the phone, so loud I had to pull it away from my ear to avoid going deaf.

"It's going to be okay," I assured her. Mindy had always been a strong lawyer with a good reputation.

"No, it's not!" she screeched. "My boss pulled me aside today as I was leaving..." she paused to blow her nose and take a shuddering breath, "and he told me that I needed to 'pull it together' or take some time off."

I sighed. I knew Mindy was going through a custody battle akin to World War II. "Min, what are you doing that your boss would say that?"

She sighed and blew her nose again. "I cried at my desk yesterday," she admitted. "And then, in a meeting... I didn't have my part of the presentation done. I've been late to work. I've... oh God a whole bunch of things. Look, I know you had a rough divorce and you... managed to keep it together." She hiccupped and sighed. "I need to know how you did it."

And here's what I told her:

One. Compartmentalize your life. When going through my divorce, my planner was my best friend. You can keep it in your phone, use your PC or (like me), do it the old-fashioned way and use one with actual paper. Either way, everything (yes, I mean that) got scheduled. Make dinner for tomorrow. Pick up kids from school. Prepare for Tuesday's meeting. Call the dentist. And of course, my favorite -- LMS. You can look at that planner and LMS was given a specific time every day. LMS specifically meant Losing My S**t. Which translated into crying, screaming in my car (yeah, I did it), cursing about my ex on the phone with my mother... anything that I needed to do that may have seemed irrational or completely off the hook if done at any other time. Most importantly, LMS cannot be done while at work. In the car on the drive home, in your kitchen while cooking dinner or even in bed after kids are asleep. But never, ever at the office. You may argue that you can't control when you lose it. But believe me, knowing you have a specific time that you can (and should) lose it actually helps. "I won't think about the papers Tom served on me now. I'll think about it at 6." File it away. Compartmentalize that because otherwise, it will take over every moment of your life.

Two. Be honest, but realistic. When I filed for divorce, I had a frank conversation with my boss about what was going on. When you chat with your supervisor, be realistic about the changes you're facing; whether those are time constraints or full schedule conflicts. If you foresee serious problems, ask if there is anyway for you to have a few hours extra one day a week, try to negotiate an earlier (or later) workday, an alternate schedule or simply see how much leeway you are going to have going through this period in your life. Smiling and telling everyone that you're "just fine," and it's business as usual might find you late at night still working at your desk, sobbing as you eat Nutella out of the jar while trying to finish a report. Not a pretty picture. If you don't have any leeway with your hours, then you will really need to...

Three. Enlist an army of support. If you now have to pick up kids from school at 3:30 p.m. and your workday doesn't end until 5:00 p.m., then you need to circle the wagons and rally the troops. Find other moms you know to help out, even if it's one day a week each. If you have family, ask them to lend a hand until you can work out something more permanent. If your kids need help with homework and you failed math, find out if there is after school student tutoring in the library. I used to work on spreadsheets as my kids got tutored in Science. Anything you can ask for help -- do it. Even if it's your mom who cooks dinner for you once a week; one less thing you have to do will help you keep your sanity.

You can make it through this difficult time without losing your mind -- or your job. And one day, one of your friends at work may stop by your desk and tearfully ask how you "kept it together." You can smile knowingly, pat her hand, and open your planner.

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Top 10 Difficult New Year's Resolutions for Divorced Parents

Has your divorce just occurred? Has it been many years? No matter how long, do you still feel guilty when it comes to the kids, worrying you have hurt them?

Well, believe it or not, some divorces help kids. Others, sadly do hurt kids who, however, can be helped a great deal.

The ones that help kids are generally healthy decisions by two adults who realize they are no longer a good match for each other or for their children as married parents.

The ones that hurt are remembered by adult children of divorced parents and tend to remain unresolved in the adults' minds.

Divorced parents new to the ambiance of divorce situations would do well to learn from the mistakes of others. Those who feel they have made mistakes needn't unnecessarily blame themselves when there's so much to do to remedy situations in the new year.

10 Resolutions in the Best Interest of the Kids

1. Promise yourself to talk civilly to your ex-spouse all the time, not only in front of the children. Children hear everything even when they are not in the room. They sense when you get off the phone and have argued stridently with your ex-spouse even if they didn't hear the content.

2. Make a resolution to talk honestly to your ex-spouse about scheduling to see the children instead of accusing each other of manipulations. If you need to change a routine, speak openly about why and be reasonable with each other.

3. Resolutely put your child's needs before your own even when you are strung out with tension and exhaustion after seeing your spouse on your front porch.

This sounds like a huge burden and it may be, but children feel safer when they know they can trust their parents to keep them uppermost in their minds.

4. Before making a residential move, consider your children's needs in travel and routine. Living and visiting two residences is in itself disorganizing and painful. If extended travel is added to the mix, it makes it even more difficult for many children and teens with complicated schedules and routines.

5. Listen to your children's feelings about divorce even years after the legal proceedings. Children feel differently at different developmental stages.

6. Some children prefer to live with one parent rather than another. This can feel very hurtful to the parent the child wants to live away from.

Considering carefully how old the child is when they voice this desire, listen carefully to their struggles without interruption until each parent fully understands what the child is looking for. Only then can you make a sound decision.

7. Find ways to praise your ex-spouse to your children honestly periodically. The children and teens appreciate that their parents are trying to get along. This gives them a sense of safety and security.

8. If you don't trust your ex-spouse in any ways, see a trained professional therapist to iron out your major differences, so each spouse feels they are leaving their children in safe hands when they visit their other parent.

9. Empathize with your children and teens who live in more than one residence. As adults we would find this a very disconcerting way to live -- our kids do, too.

I0. If children live in blended families with step-parents and their children, frequently give them credit for working so hard to get along with many siblings they share their many parents with.

This is a most difficult arrangement where kids easily feel forgotten, at the bottom of the sibling ladder, and afraid they aren't loved.

These resolutions are difficult to carry out on a regular basis but the kids who have parents who put them first live a much more loved, secure, and caring existence.


Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. is a psychoanalyst and author with a book that helps divorced parents, Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child's Behavior found on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Familius wherever books are sold. For more information about Parental Intelligence read Dr. Hollman's website.

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9 New Year's Resolutions for the Newly Divorced

These New Year's resolutions are not to exercise more, eat healthier food, or drink less -- instead, they'll help you become the post-divorce person you deserve to be.

By Nicole Gussick for Divorce Magazine

The new year is a perfect time to reassess the previous year and set new goals. These resolutions are not to eat better or drink less; these will help you become the person you deserve to be. A divorce can rock your self-esteem and entire worldview. But, if you're diligent, you can turn this difficult experience of being a newly divorced into a life lesson and opportunity to change for the better.

1. Respect Your Ex

It may sound difficult, but it's a necessity. Treating your ex with kindness and respect will be better for you and your kids. This includes not speaking negatively of your ex in front of the kids. Call a friend if you need to vent.

2. Take the High Road

If you feel yourself being dragged into another argument, take a step back and be the bigger person. Realize that falling into this negativity is toxic and benefits no one.

3. Stop Over-Thinking

It's easy to obsess on what went wrong and why, but you know why. Leave it behind you and take the lessons learned forward.

4. Be Present

Living in the moment allows you to truly appreciate those around you. Focusing on the past can be depressing and focusing on the future can cause fear and anxiety. All that matters is how you spend your time with those you love.

5. Focus on You

The new year is an ideal time to focus on your needs and take time for yourself. Set some time aside to pursue a hobby or interest. Take a class that interests you. Focus on what makes you the happiest and do that!

6. Consider Dating

It would be easy to let the emotions get the best of you and hibernate. However, you must take stock of your self-esteem and make sure you are in a good place before taking the leap back into the dating pool.

7. Be Patient

Don't be too hard on yourself. If you need to cry, let yourself cry. Remember that this is a difficult transition and to be kind to yourself. But be sure not to wallow. It's a hard line to draw, but an important one to not cross.

8. Ask for Help

Utilize your support system: they want to help you! If you are feeling isolated or depressed, let your friends and family know. Tell them what you need from them, whether it's to simply listen or to be a companion.

9. Take Control

Of your finances, that is. Create a budget, analyze your retirement accounts, create an emergency fund, and take a look at your investments. Knowing what you have will help you make informed decisions throughout the new year.

More from Divorce Magazine

10 New Year's Resolutions for Separated or Divorced People

8 Tips on Celebrating New Year's After a Divorce

9 Things to Do to Prepare for Divorce in the New Year

Find a Local Divorce Professional

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Making a Couple's Annual Goal's List

We have all heard of New Year's resolutions and goals. It is something that comes up often this time of year. People ask you what you are giving up, or what you are going to make the point of doing this coming year. Something we don't often think of is making a couple's annual resolution and goal's list. What do the two of you want to accomplish this year as a couple? What is it that you would love to do together? This can be a fun and connecting project for the two of you to do together as this year comes to an end, and we near the start of a new year.

My best suggestion to start this project is for the two of you to sit down and play this ala the Newly Game. Sit down together and make a list of 10 things that you would like to accomplish together as a couple this year. Put some real thought into this, have fun with it, stretch your imagination. Once you have each come up with the list, make a little game of trying to guess what the other person has written down on their list. This can also be a great test of not only how well you know your partner, but it can help you to get to know your partner better. There are sure to be things on this list that will surprise you, hopefully in a good way.

Once you have come together and had a little fun with coming up with your goals and hopes for the year as a couple, it is the time to come together as a couple and decide on a "master list" of things that the two of you would really like to accomplish this year. The importance here is being realistic, making the items a priority, and following through on what you agree that you are going to do. The fair thing might be for each of you to keep 6 out of the 10 things you individually came up with, for a master list of 12, or 6 each. If you think that you can handle more, feel free, the world is your oyster. With the twelve, you can commit to do one thing on the list each month. This way it is spread out, keeps the motivation going, and feels like a more realistic option.

If possible, the fair way to do this would be to alternate months that your item is chosen. This way it is fair and balanced. The exception to this would be if some activity, such as a festival, falls on a certain month. Then you would obviously have to do that activity at a certain time. If you have a month where there are two activities that can only be done that month, no one says that you cannot do more. Coming up with this list actually helps you as a couple. You work on communication, sharing, actively listening, compromising, and problem solving. What is a fun activity actually strengthens your relationship, and the skills you have as a couple.

Hopefully this idea has inspired you as a couple. The fun is to let your mind wander and be creative. To guess your partners interests, and to come up with a master list together. This is something that can become a wonderful annual tradition, and one that helps to keep things fresh in the relationship. Making a point to do things you want to do, that you partner wants to do, and sharing these experiences together as a couple, can only strengthen the relationship while having fun. You will stay connected to one another, and you will create some wonderful memories. Have fun!

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